John Oliver Plans To Permanently Host "The Daily Show"

Dear future Daily Show fans and attendees,
If you post a status or "tweet" of your excitement about the show and its host like this:

Only to meet a guy who looks exactly like this:

Then you're in for sheer disappointment.

What most people do not realize is that John Oliver, a British comedian, will be the permanent host of Comedy Central's The Daily Show.

Back in June, Jon Stewart left his hosting position to travel to the Middle East so he could direct his first film titled Death to Smoochy 2: Revenge of The Rhino. In doing so, Stewart left his show in the hands of a "British dude" that nobody had ever heard of before. However, this fascinating creature known as John Oliver has been entertaining audiences despite not being a household name. Strangely enough, the ratings have gone up as well.

I sat down with John Oliver to discuss with him about becoming permanent host of The Daily Show and how guest-hosting has changed his life (in a Q & A format).

Q: Congratulations on hosting The Daily Show so far.
A: Thank you.
Q: How have you been feeling about your hosting job?
A: Well, there are ups and downs to this. I guess I can say I'm happy that people finally realize I exist. At the same time, I can see why the boss left. It's exhausting.

Q: Do you think Americans like European late-night hosts better than American late-night hosts?
A:  I guess it depends. I'm not sure if people like me or not, which I can understand if they don't. But hey, if I continue hosting, I could be like that Scottish guy. I forgot his name.
Q: You mean Craig Ferguson?
A: Yeah, him! If he can host a show in Los Angeles, then I can host a show in New York.

Q: What have been your favorite news stories to cover as host?
A: The news of the Royal Baby has been fun. It made me miss home a little. I also like covering any news involving Anthony Wiener. I know he used to be roommates with the boss, but there's no way the boss could hammer that sex addict the way I did. I just chew that Wiener up, spit him out, and chew him up again.

Q: What do you think will be your legacy based on your experiences as the host?
A: For one, I broke the studio lights. I think that will be part of it. Also, explaining to the audience why the boss isn't there and that they're not crazy.

Q: How do the other correspondents feel about this?
A: Most of them are supportive of me. That doesn't mean they're happy though. For example, when it was announced that I would be replacing Jon Stewart as the host, Samantha Bee threw a hissy fit. She complained that the hosting job should have went to her because she had been there for ten years and she claims she has tenure. I asked her if Jason Jones got her pregnant again. I haven't really talked to her that much, other than on the show.

Q: How do you feel about Jon Stewart coming back in September?
A: Wait, is he really coming back?
Q: Yeah. That's what he said.
A: Oh, I thought he was joking. Don't get me wrong, I miss him dearly, but do you know what it's like to be a correspondent? It's like being a servant at Buckingham Palace. A servant can do all the work to make sure everything runs smoothly, and yet regardless of what happens, the King or Queen gets all the attention. Stewart doesn't do shit. It's just that everyone else puts time and effort so he looks good to the public.

Q: So, when Jon Stewart comes back, what will you do?
A: That's easy. I just need my gun.

A: I'm kidding! I wouldn't shoot the boss, even if money was involved. I'd welcome him back with open arms and hug him. Then I'll say, "Screw you, Stewart! I've got the reigns on this wild horse, and I ain't turning around!"
Q: And if Jon gets upset when he realizes he lost his job...?
A: Well, at least there will be a opening for a new correspondent.

Even though Oliver can not wait to continue hosting, others have expressed their thoughts and concerns over this news.

"I want my Jon to come home," cried Stephen Colbert, host of Comedy Central's The Colbert Report. "I mean sure, this John is a nice guy and all. But it's so weird when I look for Jon during the day and all I find is the other John. He is very talented and he kind of looks like a younger, British version of me (minus those hideous teeth), but he will never be the Jon of my heart! I will do everything in my power to keep that John off the air, and I won't give up until they give me back my Jon!"

"I don't like this Oliver Twist guy," said Brian Williams, who was caught breaking into Comedy Central Headquarters in an attempt to kidnap Oliver. "Obviously, he's not Stewart. He seems like a sweet and likable guy, but I can't understand his accent no matter how many times I listen to him. I can't wait for Jon to come back because I don't know how else I'm supposed to get my news. Besides, I'm hoping Jon remembers our ice cream date."

"I actually like the new John," admitted Bill O'Reilly on the set of The O'Reilly Factor. "He seems like a winsome guy, and I like how he doesn't take cheap shots at Fox News. Stewart used to do that all the time, so it's nice to have some relief from that. Hey, I wonder if this guy is easy to manipulate in a debate. Excuse me for a minute. I'm going to see if I can get booked on the show. I have a new book coming out soon."

Still, as John Oliver plans to permanently host The Daily Show forever, Jon Stewart better eat his heart out.

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

George Zimmerman Tries To Find A New Job

It has almost been two weeks since George Zimmerman was found not guilty for the murder of Trayvon Martin. The ups and downs of the intensity of the court, as Zimmerman fought for his rights, and the aftermath of the trial stirred much ado over whether the jury had been wrong. Although the case has been over for quite some time, there is one thing that might be certain: George Zimmerman cannot find a new job.

Because of the verdict, he cannot go back working to his previous job as a Neighborhood Watchman Captain out of fear over more chaos involving his once peaceful neighborhood. He also cannot apply for local jobs anywhere in his area with someone saying, "Hey, aren't you George Zimmerman? Yeah, we heard about your trial! No, we're not hiring. Get out."

Zimmerman's defense attorney Don West encouraged Zimmerman to be his partner in his new-found dream of becoming a stand-up comedian. Zimmerman turned West's offer down because he feels his is already the punchline behind many jokes. 

Desperate to find a job, Zimmerman turned to good-friend Frank Taaffe.Taffee has been loyal to Zimmerman's side throughout the whole trial, defending him for everything he did on national television; for a confident Taaffe, this job-hunt would be easy. 

"I'll see if I can get him a job working with Nancy Grace," explained Taaffe."Maybe he can help me figure out how to stop her from cutting off my microphone every time I talk over her. I know she likes to hear my voice; she can't do that to me all the time." Sadly for both men, Grace refused to hire him as she did not fall for Taaffe's begging.

So, if Zimmerman will never have luck finding a job, what will he do for the rest of his life?

Not all hope is lost for Zimmerman as he is trying a new idea. According to Zimmerman's lawyer, Mark O'Mara, he has heard about American citizens preparing for jobs that are not even around yet. Because of this, he has decided to train as Florida's first official superhero, a job that currently does not exist. "Well, he's already got experience," Don West, Zimmerman's defense attorney, told local reporters outside Zimmerman's neighborhood. "I mean, he's already applied self-defense. That should be enough training. Just like my knock-knock joke is enough training to become a world-famous comedian. By the way, where's the nearest comedy club? I have new material."

Zimmerman experimented with his new, ideal job by saving a family of four from an overturned truck - one mile away from his accused deed. Although it's a good start for Zimmerman, he was not recognized as a hero by the media, forcing him to crawl back into hiding. Living in his own Batman movie, he currently plots his new plan - find The Joker and kill him at the exact same location.  

But even if Zimmerman became an official superhero and the state of Florida decided to give him his own gun to fight crime, it wouldn't save Florida from its isolation against the United States.

However, his superhero attempts might be a part of juror B37's story in her book deal for she expressed interest talking about his highly-publicized trial and what it felt like to be a juror... not that it will make Zimmerman's life any better.

Regardless of what Zimmerman will do for the rest of his life, people are going to remember him in a negative light. As one neighbor said, "It doesn't matter who attacked first and who really committed the crime. The media sought after it as a racist situation, even though the trial dealt with a white Hispanic man and a black teenager. The claim of 'white supremacist' made its way back to the eyes of everyone who saw. But it doesn't matter if race played a part or not. It doesn't matter, for in the end, somebody is still dead and [the families] are the ones who are forced to suffer."

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

How The NSA Plans To Spend Independence Day

It's that time of year again. American citizens gather across the nation to celebrate another birthday for their beloved country, showing off their pride in red, white, and blue. But it's not only American citizens who want to celebrate. Government employees at the National Security Agency (NSA) want to celebrate the greatness and freedoms of America too. After all, the agency has been through a lot of hell so far this summer. Why not give them a break?

On July 4th, NSA employees will join President Obama at the White House while celebrating the freedoms they have over everyone else in a backyard barbecue. Each guest attending will enter the party through the White House where they will stop and admire the welcome banner with a slogan at the bottom that says, "Big Brother Is Watching You." Like any normal barbecue, there will be hot dogs, Miller beer, and a fireworks display to spend the evening, as well as popular barbecue games such as "I Spy" and "Pin The Handcuffs on Edward Snowden." There will also be Karaoke night, allowing the attendees to sing classic songs such as Private Eyes, Every Move You Make, and everybody's favorite song I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Me. In addition, President Obama will be debuting live at the party his newest cover of the hit song Get Lucky.

Unfortunately, not everyone is invited to perhaps the biggest party of the year. When asked if the infamous 30-year-old whistleblower had an invitation to go despite not working for the NSA anymore, Vice President Joe Biden took the opportunity to answer questions regarding Snowden. Biden stated, "Although many of us here would like him back, I doubt he'll willingly leave that airport in Moscow to attend. It would just be awkward; besides, he might end up hiding in one of the port-a-potty's we have set up because, you know... he's known to be a leaker."

So enjoy a happy 4th NSA. Perhaps you'll catch Snowden someday, but for now enjoy the country on its special holiday. As for the rest of us, we'll keep in mind that with every bond we break, every step we take, you'll be watching us.

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.