Bill O'Reilly Reveals Upcoming Book For "Killing" Series

Bill O'Reilly is having a good week now that his latest book Killing Jesus is out on bookshelves everywhere. Known for writing about famous dead people, the O'Reilly Factor host says that is inspiration for writing comes from hearing God's voice. However, he also suggests that God told him to write about something the American people can relate more to.

On Friday September 27, O'Reilly announced that he will be writing a future book called Killing The American Dream. The book will discuss everything that is wrong with America in today's times, ranging in topics from Obamacare to reality TV programing.

Unlike the previous books in the "Killing" series, Killing The American Dream will target society, mainly in a political manner. The context of the future book will target at liberals, portraying them as the source of the problem.

Furthermore, the upcoming book will also be co-written by Donald Trump instead of O'Reilly's usual writing partner Martin Dugard. The two writers will plan to write about their successes in life, their views on American patriotism, and their common love for Baseball.

O'Reilly told variety news sources that writings for Killing The American Dream will begin during the summer of 2014 after his other upcoming book Jesus' Last Days: From The Last Supper To The Shocking Crucifixion is published. Meanwhile, O'Reilly expects to publish Killing The American Dream in late 2015 in order to attract potential conservative voters to vote Republican in the 2016 election, even though O'Reilly states that's not the main purpose of his book.

Overall, O'Reilly states that he hopes once Killing The American Dream is released, it will inspire Americans to take more action towards making a better America, or at least, an America O'Reilly fantasizes about. O'Reilly also encourages fans to write to his email address - oreilly@foxnews.com - if they have any questions and/or suggestions regarding Killing The American Dream. 
 
Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

Kerry and McCain Debate Over Who Is More Relevant in Today's Society

When it comes to international issues, particularly those that the majority of people say they don't want to be involved with, the public can count on political rivals John Kerry, the United States Secretary of State, and John McCain, an Arizona senator, to stir up conversation over their relevancy to foreign affairs. Lately, John Kerry believes that President Obama has a right to strike in Syria, regardless of what Congress thinks. John McCain, on the other hand, believes that the United States should stay out of Syria's conflicts. Since Kerry does not realize how bad of a negotiator he is for Syrian weapons, John McCain thought it would be best to stop him... before he gets bored by Kerry's rantings again. 

John McCain took his unhappiness with Kerry to Twitter, tweeting that Kerry's remarks are "unbelievably unhelpful" regarding Syria. McCain also wanted to tweet about his feelings for Kerry, calling him a scumbag, dick-headed jerk who only cares about what he wants; unfortunately, the tweet was not posted because it exceeded more than 140 characters, plus it contained some "colorful vocabulary" from the Arizona senator. 

John Kerry was offended by the criticism he received, especially by John McCain who he thought was his non-political buddy. Calling from London, England, he held a few-minute debate with John McCain in a recorded phone call.

From the phone call:
John Kerry: Look McCain. As much as I love you for your honesty, when I say that Syria will be an "unbelievably small effort", I really mean it.
John McCain: You don't even know what that means.
Kerry: Sure I do, but you and the general media misunderstand me.
McCain: On what exactly? All I'm saying is that small efforts eventually turn into bigger efforts than anticipated, and America ends up in another full-blown war in the next few years. I should know, for I am a war hero.
Kerry: Sitting in prison during the Vietnam war does not make you a war hero. I'm sorry, but you sat in a isolated prison by the enemy drinking your own piss for survival. Didn't you, at least, think about escaping?
McCain: At least people remember I fought in that war, unlike you.

Within a few minutes, the conversation got heated.

[Continued]
McCain: By the way, you never told me your reasoning for invading Syria.
Kerry: Chemical weapons! Assad crossed the red line by using sarin gas!
McCain: Besides that.
Kerry: What? Well what other reason is valid for invading Syria?
McCain: Oh, I don't know, maybe people live there. You know, besides Assad and the rebels.
Kerry: I swear, the more I talk to you, the more I'm convinced you're smoking something.
McCain: I'm pretty sure it's from hanging around people like you.

Kerry: I still can't believe you don't favor invading Syria.
McCain: Oh no, I support it, but not for your extreme reasons. We shouldn't put soldiers there.
Kerry: But you supported the Iraq war! You wanted more troops based there!
McCain: Yes, but I also thought I would win the presidency years ago. Didn't know I would lose to Obama.
Kerry: The rest of us didn't know you wanted Sarah Palin as your vice president.
McCain: Okay, so she wasn't the smartest of the bunch outside of Alaska. I can live with that, but at least I didn't loose to Bush while supporting the Iraq war. Now that would have been embarrassing.
Kerry: Hey, I never supported war in Iraq! Ask the many journalists on MSNBC.
McCain: Right. And then in a few years, you'll deny that you ever supported war in Syria in the first place.

Kerry: If there's one thing that makes me more relevant than you, I'm actually going out into the world and demanding action. All you ever do nowadays is sit on your lazy ass to "tweet" funny jokes on Twitter and play online poker on your iPhone... during Senator meetings!
McCain: I can't help that you guys bore me. Being distracted with my iPhone is better than taking a nap.
Kerry: Well if you think the Senator meetings are boring, why don't you just retire?
McCain: I'll retire if you retire with me. We can go to Sun City together. I heard the ladies over there are very friendly.
Kerry: Yeah, um, I don't think so.
McCain: Oh, did I tell I lost money from the last game I played?
Kerry: I know. I saw your tweet.

McCain: It's been nice talking to you and all, bu we still shouldn't use military action against Syria. The whole thing is just a big kerfuffle waiting to explode.
Kerry: Hey, I have an idea! If President Obama decides to strike Syria, maybe you should help and fight. After all, everyone knows you're a war hero.
McCain: I'll go if you go with me. Besides, it would be nice for you to reunite with your old friend Assad, right?
Kerry: What?
McCain: You don't remember dining with Assad?
Kerry: Uh... that was, um, somebody's online fan fiction written about me! Yeah, um, I...
McCain: I'll bet Assad would love to reconcile with you, just as we are doing now. The three of us can chat over a nice dinner and have a marvelous time. I'll even introduce you to some of the people I met during my trip in Syria months ago.
Kerry: Oh boy.
McCain: Oh, and when we get back to America, maybe the first thing we should do next is legalize pot! I heard being "half baked" might help me win my online poker games more often. Speaking of online poker, my iPhone is calling my name. Bye, and have a safe trip!
[McCain hangs up.]
Kerry: You crazy bastard.
[Kerry hangs up.]

As of September 9th, there has been no word on whether or not Kerry and McCain will make up from their fighting.

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

Chaos In Weinergate Part Two: Some Last Minute Campaign Strategies

The days are coming closer before New York citizens can vote for the state's next mayor. But no other candidate has been talked about more than "Mr. Sexting Machine" Anthony Weiner. Before his campaign days are over, Weiner is trying to make sure he gets his last-minute campaign strategies together so New Yorkers know that he's just a regular man with big dreams.

In a recent media appearance, Weiner explained his tactics he thinks will help him win the ongoing mayoral campaign. First, he will attempt to make an appearance at a cultural parade while promoting his campaign.

Then, he will pose as a local New York weatherman while making audiences believe that they should either vote for him or they are just too tired in the mornings.

He also plans to confront anybody who publicly attacks him before election day, and he will do so without shame (particularly confronting Jewish voters, knowing that the argument is anything but kosher).

Of course, he acknowledges that these tactics alone will not easily convince voters to elect him.

On the night of Friday September 6th, Anthony Weiner plans to host New York's largest Rosh Hashanah blowout party in honor of current mayor Michael Bloomberg. Weiner even invited special guests Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke to perform "Blurred Lines" at the party. When asked why he was inviting them in the first place, Weiner responded, "I thought their performance was great at the VMA's, and I can totally relate to Robin's song. I mean, there's blurred lines in my life. Oh, and that foam finger."

He will be teaching a free seminar at New York University over the weekend. He explained to the press that the seminar will teach citizens about Human Nature and why it's hard to fight the body's many natural urges.

He will host New York's first ever "Bike Race Rally to End Bike Lanes" during Saturday afternoon.

He will visit as many local places as he can to enforce his love for small businesses. In turn, if someone talks about his personal life again, he will attack them.

He plans to promote a book-reading campaign to gain the votes of parents. He believes it will help ensure critical reading for the future generations, and he also discovered what one can do with a book.
 
Most importantly, Anthony Weiner will try to get the cell phone numbers of every registered New York voter so he can text them as a reminder to vote for him before election day.

Nevertheless, Anthony Weiner is not only desperate to become mayor, but desperate enough to win the hearts of new York citizens as he fights everything he's got win. Even if it works, only God knows whether or not New York, much less the rest of the world, can be saved from danger... Carlos Danger.

Good luck New York.

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.