When it comes to international issues, particularly those that the majority of people say they don't want to be involved with, the public can count on political rivals John Kerry, the United States Secretary of State, and John McCain, an Arizona senator, to stir up conversation over their relevancy to foreign affairs. Lately, John Kerry believes that President Obama has a right to strike in Syria, regardless of what Congress thinks. John McCain, on the other hand, believes that the United States should stay out of Syria's conflicts. Since Kerry does not realize how bad of a negotiator he is for Syrian weapons, John McCain thought it would be best to stop him... before he gets bored by Kerry's rantings again. John McCain took his unhappiness with Kerry to Twitter, tweeting that Kerry's remarks are "unbelievably unhelpful" regarding Syria. McCain also wanted to tweet about his feelings for Kerry, calling him a scumbag, dick-headed jerk who only cares about what he wants; unfortunately, the tweet was not posted because it exceeded more than 140 characters, plus it contained some "colorful vocabulary" from the Arizona senator.
John Kerry was offended by the criticism he received, especially by John McCain who he thought was his non-political buddy. Calling from London, England, he held a few-minute debate with John McCain in a recorded phone call.
From the phone call:
John Kerry: Look McCain. As much as I love you for your honesty, when I say that Syria will be an "unbelievably small effort", I really mean it.
John McCain: You don't even know what that means.
Kerry: Sure I do, but you and the general media misunderstand me.
McCain: On what exactly? All I'm saying is that small efforts eventually turn into bigger efforts than anticipated, and America ends up in another full-blown war in the next few years. I should know, for I am a war hero.
Kerry: Sitting in prison during the Vietnam war does not make you a war hero. I'm sorry, but you sat in a isolated prison by the enemy drinking your own piss for survival. Didn't you, at least, think about escaping?
McCain: At least people remember I fought in that war, unlike you.
Within a few minutes, the conversation got heated.
[Continued]
McCain: By the way, you never told me your reasoning for invading Syria.
Kerry: Chemical weapons! Assad crossed the red line by using sarin gas!
McCain: Besides that.
Kerry: What? Well what other reason is valid for invading Syria?
McCain: Oh, I don't know, maybe people live there. You know, besides Assad and the rebels.
Kerry: I swear, the more I talk to you, the more I'm convinced you're smoking something.
McCain: I'm pretty sure it's from hanging around people like you.
Kerry: I still can't believe you don't favor invading Syria.
McCain: Oh no, I support it, but not for your extreme reasons. We shouldn't put soldiers there.
Kerry: But you supported the Iraq war! You wanted more troops based there!
McCain: Yes, but I also thought I would win the presidency years ago. Didn't know I would lose to Obama.
Kerry: The rest of us didn't know you wanted Sarah Palin as your vice president.
McCain: Okay, so she wasn't the smartest of the bunch outside of Alaska. I can live with that, but at least I didn't loose to Bush while supporting the Iraq war. Now that would have been embarrassing.
Kerry: Hey, I never supported war in Iraq! Ask the many journalists on MSNBC.
McCain: Right. And then in a few years, you'll deny that you ever supported war in Syria in the first place.
Kerry: If there's one thing that makes me more relevant than you, I'm actually going out into the world and demanding action. All you ever do nowadays is sit on your lazy ass to "tweet" funny jokes on Twitter and play online poker on your iPhone... during Senator meetings!
McCain: I can't help that you guys bore me. Being distracted with my iPhone is better than taking a nap.
Kerry: Well if you think the Senator meetings are boring, why don't you just retire?
McCain: I'll retire if you retire with me. We can go to Sun City together. I heard the ladies over there are very friendly.
Kerry: Yeah, um, I don't think so.
McCain: Oh, did I tell I lost money from the last game I played?
Kerry: I know. I saw your tweet.
McCain: It's been nice talking to you and all, bu we still shouldn't use military action against Syria. The whole thing is just a big kerfuffle waiting to explode.
Kerry: Hey, I have an idea! If President Obama decides to strike Syria, maybe you should help and fight. After all, everyone knows you're a war hero.
McCain: I'll go if you go with me. Besides, it would be nice for you to reunite with your old friend Assad, right?
Kerry: What?
McCain: You don't remember dining with Assad?
Kerry: Uh... that was, um, somebody's online fan fiction written about me! Yeah, um, I...
McCain: I'll bet Assad would love to reconcile with you, just as we are doing now. The three of us can chat over a nice dinner and have a marvelous time. I'll even introduce you to some of the people I met during my trip in Syria months ago.
Kerry: Oh boy.
McCain: Oh, and when we get back to America, maybe the first thing we should do next is legalize pot! I heard being "half baked" might help me win my online poker games more often. Speaking of online poker, my iPhone is calling my name. Bye, and have a safe trip!
[McCain hangs up.]
Kerry: You crazy bastard.
[Kerry hangs up.]
As of September 9th, there has been no word on whether or not Kerry and McCain will make up from their fighting.
Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.
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