President Obama Cancels Congress's Upcoming Halloween Party

President Barack Obama is tired of waiting on Congress to negotiate with him to raise the debt ceiling and end the government shutdown, which now reaches thirteen days. Disgusted by the lack of action, President Obama decided earlier today to announce on C-Span and in front of Congressional Leaders that if Congress do not propose a plan anytime soon, he will cancel their upcoming Halloween party at the White House, as well as any future parties.

GOP leader, groaned over the president's new decision, resulting in Obama yelling, "Hey, hey! Quit the drama!"

John Boehner, United State House Speaker and Congress's party planner, was invited to speak on the president's decision. As he took the stand, he burst into outrage. "Are you kidding me? This is the one thing we've been looking forward to all year! I have been planning this party for months!" complained Boehner to Obama.

"I'm sorry John," said Obama to Boehner, "but this party is too expensive. This great nation already has nearly 17 trillion dollars in debt. We can't keep ignoring that forever. This party of yours will only add to the deficient."

When it was John Boehner's turn to speak again, he described what the party would have been like had it not been canceled. C-Span's camera crews recorded every action.

"I had the evening's entertainment all planned out. I was going to have Ted Cruz recite his favorite Dr. Seuss book Green Eggs and Ham while dressed as Hollywood star Ashton Kutcher, followed by a few-minute play about sick children with cancer not receiving their benefits staring Harry Reid, and then finally, Michelle Bachmann and I would teach everybody how to twerk," explained Boehner. "Even former president George W. Bush was planning to come, mainly to show off his artwork. However, I don't know if Dick Cheney would show, canceled or not. When I invited him, he said he didn't want to see Bush and that they're not on speaking terms. Nevertheless, you can't cancel this party! We were even going to serve Miller Beer!"  

"Well, you could still have your party," said Obama after thinking about it for a while. "All you have to do is negotiate with me a plan that will not only work for the new fiscal year, but will not raise the national debt up any higher by October 17th."

Boehner then added, "Did I mention that we were going to play 'pin the tail on the donkey'? Expect not on a cut-out of a donkey, but of you instead, you know? Cuz you're an ass."

"You could still have the party at my house. I don't mind visitors," spoke Vice President Joe Biden. Cheers and applause filled the room.

"That's um... nice, Joe," said Obama, confoundedly.

Nevertheless, President Obama still canceled the party held at the White House until further notice on progress between him and Congress. According to Boehner though, the president is currently off the guest list.

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

Jay Carney Wants To Quit His Job After Government Shutdown Ends

WASHINGTON - Nine days into government shutdown, and everybody wants answers to questions like, "When will this shutdown be over?", and so on. While President Barack Obama and House Speaker John Boehner keep the nation on the edge of their seat with their bickering, government leaders are put under pressure. But nobody is put under pressure more than White House Secretary Jay Carney.

For Carney, he has to meet with the press almost every day answering questions about the government shutdown and what his boss President Obama has to say regarding the issue. Despite Obama's absences from these meetings, Carney holds his ground with these desperate reporters... until now.

On Wednesday's press conference with the White House Correspondents, Carney continued answering questions addressing any process made in Washington, D.C. by officials. Questions such as, "How long will this government shutdown last?", "What will happen to the troops fighting in Afghanistan?", and "What does President Obama think of the football team 'Washington Redskins'?", etc. made their way into the conference. Jay Carney behaved professionally until one reporter asked the one question that made him loose his temper:

"Mr. Carney, now that several reporters have called you out on your lies, what more lies lay ahead regarding the government shutdown?"

"Alright, that's it," yelled Carney, "I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"

Correspondents sat in shock as they then witnessed Jay Carney rip up his notes.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I sincerely apologize," declared Carney, "But as soon as this stupid government shutdown is over, I'm quitting my job!"

When asked by reporters why he was suddenly considering quitting as an option, Carney took off his glasses, raising his fist in sheer anger.

"Why? You all ask why?", Carney asked, followed by rage, "I'll tell you why! Because all you people do is sit around and ask me questions about the president while treating me like I am President Obama's personal lap dog! Plus, all you 'journalist' only want to hear answers without actually listening to what I have to say! And then you all get mad at me when I don't have the answer you want to hear! Well guess what? I don't always know what's going on around here, so stop asking me! Just because I wear a pair of glasses, that doesn't mean I'm a god damn wizard!"

Carney continued on his temper tantrum, ranting and insulting the White House Correspondents. "Hey, since you'll all correspondents, why don't you guys actually go outside and report something newsworthy? Don't blame me for the government shutdown, for I wasn't part of it! Go ahead and piss all over Sylvia Burwell since it's her fault! She's the one who single-handily ordered this shutdown to happen in the first place! Yet there's hardly any mention of her from your colleagues! Why don't you go and actually do your job?"

Carney then ended the conference stating, "If all of you have a serious problem with me, take it outside where a personal soapbox will be set up for you! I'M OUTTA HERE!"

After the Correspondents had been officially dismissed from the conference, Jay Carney went into his office and requested to have the rest of the year off as soon as the government shutdown was over.

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

Mitt and Ann Romney Express Comments Over Government Shutdown

So far in October 2013, the government shutdown has affected hundreds to thousands of Americans in terms of their lifestyles. Already in day five, President Obama and the 535 members of Congress struggle to find common ground. But the shutdown crisis leaves some people to think perhaps the most unusual questions: If Mitt Romney had been president instead, would this have happened under him? And if so, what would Mitt Romney do?

To answer these questions, Mitt Romney and his family offered their time to talk about their concerns on the government shutdown in their luxurious home. Meanwhile, Ann Romney used this as an opportunity to promote her new cookbook The Romney Family Table.

"I think it is unfortunate that a government shutdown happened," said Mitt Romney to a CNN journalist. "I agree with Obama that it did not have to happen, but my Republican friends would think I am suddenly siding with the Democrats just like most of the country. "

When Mitt Romney was asked about President Obama canceling his week-long trip to Asia in order to deal with issues, Romney responded, "He's doing the right thing to stay home. However, I don't think he needed to cancel his trip entirely. He could have just asked me to go for him instead. I know I can afford it."

When Ann Romney was asked by a couple of reporters whether or not a government shutdown would happen if her husband had been president, she responded, "I highly doubt it. In fact, [my husband] would have prevented Obamacare from ever happening mainly because it is just plain silly. You know what would be really great? If this government shutdown or something dramatically horrible encouraged the public to give Mitt another chance and run for president again. I know I have said 'Never again', but maybe if something even bigger happened like the economy completely collapsing under Obama, I think it would encourage him to run at least one more time to prove his worth. Not that I want anything horrible to happen, nor do I want Mitt to run just for publicity."

Both Mitt and Ann Romney laughed when asked by reporters how the government shutdown had affected their lives.

As reporters were leaving the Romney home, Ann Romney was heard shouting, "Don't forget to buy my cookbook at your local bookstores! It's on bookshelves now!"

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

Government Shutdown - Obama and Boehner Blame Everyone But Themselves... Because They Can

If there's one thing a government shutdown can prove, it is that nobody wants one. This is especially the case with the ongoing "love-hate but mostly hate" relationship between President Barack Obama and House Speaker John Boehner. So while most Americans receive updates in the news from NPR to Conan O'Brien, Obama and Boehner try to bribe Congress to side with either one of them. For both men, the battle has not been easy.

The House met up on Saturday to discuss and vote on retroactive pay, only for their meeting to become verbal "fight club" between Obama and Boehner.

"As you know... this shutdown could have been avoided," said the president to the House of Representatives. "I want it to be over just like everybody else. But we cannot reopen the government thanks to Speaker Boehner."

"Oh please, you faker," John Boehner responded. "We all know you're the one who refuses to negotiate with anybody. Sure, you're willing to talk with an Iranian president, but what about us GOP members? You don't exactly listen to us."

"That's because people like you say stupid stuff," explained President Obama. "Besides, you don't care about the American people."

"Well neither do you, Mr. Big Shot," said Boehner.

"Come on, you guys," said Joe Biden while asking both men, "Why can't we be friends?"

"Obama just refuses to negotiate with us," a crestfallen John Boehner told the press. "I mean, all we're asking for here  is a simple discussion of fairness for the American people under Obamacare. But no! Obama just doesn't want to do that! Sure, he's willing to negotiate with Iran's president, but when someone from the GOP wants to make a deal, he backs away like we're poisoning the country. I really don't get why the American people re-elected this douche.
He just makes me want to cry."

It is unclear whether or not these two men will make up.

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.