Toronto's City Council has already stripped Mayor Ford from his powers, claiming he's definitely a crack addict. But Rob Ford's struggle to cooperate with the council has led them to decide between two choices - either keep the mayor as a sitting duck, or relocate him to a city in America.
The council has decided, after several hearings and a 37- 4 vote, to force him to temporary move to America so he can supposedly get help and clean up his act.
According to the council, Mayor Ford is not only accused of smoking crack, but his other accusations include excessive drinking, harassing staffers, and now physically assaulting council members. Despite the mayor's pleas to stay in office and continue doing his job, the council concluded that Ford "is a dangerous man who seems too incompetent to do his job" and his relocating to America is simply "for the greater good of Canada".
A council member, who chose to remain anonymous, told the huge crowd of press reporters the reasoning behind the decision. "Canada, Toronto especially, doesn't need a politician involved in these scandalous acts," she said. "That's what we have America for. They like to do whatever they please, while we Canadians have to stick with our squeaky-clean image."
A male council member, also anonymous, chose to chip in on the story. "This is the kind of behavior we expect from our neighboring country America and their leaders, not from a Canadian leader," explained the male council member, "Americans get crazy when their leaders misbehave, but they're used to it. We're not used to this before. The only good thing that has come out of this is, at least, America remembers that Canada still exist."
"A true Canadian isn't known for wild behavior," said the same female council member to the press, "But I believe American ideals can corrupt the mind of a Canadian. I mean, just look at Justin Bieber for example. He used to be such an innocent, young Canadian boy whose sole dream was to make music. Then, out of nowhere, America falls in love with him as he becomes 'America's Sweetheart', making him an instant celebrity. Nowadays, almost everyone hears about him doing drugs and partying all over the world with wild strippers while messing with paid whores just so he can get laid. As much as we don't like Ford's actions, we wouldn't want to hear that he has wild parties with hookers inside his own office. That's a show nobody should have to even imagine."
Obviously, Mayor Ford did not agree with the council on the terms of their decision. Ford himself burst into outrage at the council's new proposal for him. His comments include, "Oh ha ha, like all of you sitting here are innocent! Why don't all of you submit to drug and alcohol testing yourselves since you all claim I have fucking issues," and, "America? Yeah right! I got a new TV show, bitches! I ain't going anywhere!"
Still, Toronto's City Council believes it should be Rob Ford's best interest to move to an American city just so he can get help. They also suggested to the powerless mayor that he can temporarily change his name to "Chris Farley" if he pleased.
"That man... he clearly has issues," said the male council member after another hearing. "He needs to get himself checked in somewhere such as, perhaps, a mental hospital before he does anymore damage and hurts his family like his wife or his brother Doug. Oh, wait... never mind then. Doug's already hurt himself just for his involvement."
There is no word whether or not Rob Ford will accept the offer to get help in America rather than stay in Canada and continue his role as mayor with limited powers.
Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.
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