Jay Carney Wants To Quit His Job After Government Shutdown Ends

WASHINGTON - Nine days into government shutdown, and everybody wants answers to questions like, "When will this shutdown be over?", and so on. While President Barack Obama and House Speaker John Boehner keep the nation on the edge of their seat with their bickering, government leaders are put under pressure. But nobody is put under pressure more than White House Secretary Jay Carney.

For Carney, he has to meet with the press almost every day answering questions about the government shutdown and what his boss President Obama has to say regarding the issue. Despite Obama's absences from these meetings, Carney holds his ground with these desperate reporters... until now.

On Wednesday's press conference with the White House Correspondents, Carney continued answering questions addressing any process made in Washington, D.C. by officials. Questions such as, "How long will this government shutdown last?", "What will happen to the troops fighting in Afghanistan?", and "What does President Obama think of the football team 'Washington Redskins'?", etc. made their way into the conference. Jay Carney behaved professionally until one reporter asked the one question that made him loose his temper:

"Mr. Carney, now that several reporters have called you out on your lies, what more lies lay ahead regarding the government shutdown?"

"Alright, that's it," yelled Carney, "I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"

Correspondents sat in shock as they then witnessed Jay Carney rip up his notes.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I sincerely apologize," declared Carney, "But as soon as this stupid government shutdown is over, I'm quitting my job!"

When asked by reporters why he was suddenly considering quitting as an option, Carney took off his glasses, raising his fist in sheer anger.

"Why? You all ask why?", Carney asked, followed by rage, "I'll tell you why! Because all you people do is sit around and ask me questions about the president while treating me like I am President Obama's personal lap dog! Plus, all you 'journalist' only want to hear answers without actually listening to what I have to say! And then you all get mad at me when I don't have the answer you want to hear! Well guess what? I don't always know what's going on around here, so stop asking me! Just because I wear a pair of glasses, that doesn't mean I'm a god damn wizard!"

Carney continued on his temper tantrum, ranting and insulting the White House Correspondents. "Hey, since you'll all correspondents, why don't you guys actually go outside and report something newsworthy? Don't blame me for the government shutdown, for I wasn't part of it! Go ahead and piss all over Sylvia Burwell since it's her fault! She's the one who single-handily ordered this shutdown to happen in the first place! Yet there's hardly any mention of her from your colleagues! Why don't you go and actually do your job?"

Carney then ended the conference stating, "If all of you have a serious problem with me, take it outside where a personal soapbox will be set up for you! I'M OUTTA HERE!"

After the Correspondents had been officially dismissed from the conference, Jay Carney went into his office and requested to have the rest of the year off as soon as the government shutdown was over.

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

Mitt and Ann Romney Express Comments Over Government Shutdown

So far in October 2013, the government shutdown has affected hundreds to thousands of Americans in terms of their lifestyles. Already in day five, President Obama and the 535 members of Congress struggle to find common ground. But the shutdown crisis leaves some people to think perhaps the most unusual questions: If Mitt Romney had been president instead, would this have happened under him? And if so, what would Mitt Romney do?

To answer these questions, Mitt Romney and his family offered their time to talk about their concerns on the government shutdown in their luxurious home. Meanwhile, Ann Romney used this as an opportunity to promote her new cookbook The Romney Family Table.

"I think it is unfortunate that a government shutdown happened," said Mitt Romney to a CNN journalist. "I agree with Obama that it did not have to happen, but my Republican friends would think I am suddenly siding with the Democrats just like most of the country. "

When Mitt Romney was asked about President Obama canceling his week-long trip to Asia in order to deal with issues, Romney responded, "He's doing the right thing to stay home. However, I don't think he needed to cancel his trip entirely. He could have just asked me to go for him instead. I know I can afford it."

When Ann Romney was asked by a couple of reporters whether or not a government shutdown would happen if her husband had been president, she responded, "I highly doubt it. In fact, [my husband] would have prevented Obamacare from ever happening mainly because it is just plain silly. You know what would be really great? If this government shutdown or something dramatically horrible encouraged the public to give Mitt another chance and run for president again. I know I have said 'Never again', but maybe if something even bigger happened like the economy completely collapsing under Obama, I think it would encourage him to run at least one more time to prove his worth. Not that I want anything horrible to happen, nor do I want Mitt to run just for publicity."

Both Mitt and Ann Romney laughed when asked by reporters how the government shutdown had affected their lives.

As reporters were leaving the Romney home, Ann Romney was heard shouting, "Don't forget to buy my cookbook at your local bookstores! It's on bookshelves now!"

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

Government Shutdown - Obama and Boehner Blame Everyone But Themselves... Because They Can

If there's one thing a government shutdown can prove, it is that nobody wants one. This is especially the case with the ongoing "love-hate but mostly hate" relationship between President Barack Obama and House Speaker John Boehner. So while most Americans receive updates in the news from NPR to Conan O'Brien, Obama and Boehner try to bribe Congress to side with either one of them. For both men, the battle has not been easy.

The House met up on Saturday to discuss and vote on retroactive pay, only for their meeting to become verbal "fight club" between Obama and Boehner.

"As you know... this shutdown could have been avoided," said the president to the House of Representatives. "I want it to be over just like everybody else. But we cannot reopen the government thanks to Speaker Boehner."

"Oh please, you faker," John Boehner responded. "We all know you're the one who refuses to negotiate with anybody. Sure, you're willing to talk with an Iranian president, but what about us GOP members? You don't exactly listen to us."

"That's because people like you say stupid stuff," explained President Obama. "Besides, you don't care about the American people."

"Well neither do you, Mr. Big Shot," said Boehner.

"Come on, you guys," said Joe Biden while asking both men, "Why can't we be friends?"

"Obama just refuses to negotiate with us," a crestfallen John Boehner told the press. "I mean, all we're asking for here  is a simple discussion of fairness for the American people under Obamacare. But no! Obama just doesn't want to do that! Sure, he's willing to negotiate with Iran's president, but when someone from the GOP wants to make a deal, he backs away like we're poisoning the country. I really don't get why the American people re-elected this douche.
He just makes me want to cry."

It is unclear whether or not these two men will make up.

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

Bill O'Reilly Reveals Upcoming Book For "Killing" Series

Bill O'Reilly is having a good week now that his latest book Killing Jesus is out on bookshelves everywhere. Known for writing about famous dead people, the O'Reilly Factor host says that is inspiration for writing comes from hearing God's voice. However, he also suggests that God told him to write about something the American people can relate more to.

On Friday September 27, O'Reilly announced that he will be writing a future book called Killing The American Dream. The book will discuss everything that is wrong with America in today's times, ranging in topics from Obamacare to reality TV programing.

Unlike the previous books in the "Killing" series, Killing The American Dream will target society, mainly in a political manner. The context of the future book will target at liberals, portraying them as the source of the problem.

Furthermore, the upcoming book will also be co-written by Donald Trump instead of O'Reilly's usual writing partner Martin Dugard. The two writers will plan to write about their successes in life, their views on American patriotism, and their common love for Baseball.

O'Reilly told variety news sources that writings for Killing The American Dream will begin during the summer of 2014 after his other upcoming book Jesus' Last Days: From The Last Supper To The Shocking Crucifixion is published. Meanwhile, O'Reilly expects to publish Killing The American Dream in late 2015 in order to attract potential conservative voters to vote Republican in the 2016 election, even though O'Reilly states that's not the main purpose of his book.

Overall, O'Reilly states that he hopes once Killing The American Dream is released, it will inspire Americans to take more action towards making a better America, or at least, an America O'Reilly fantasizes about. O'Reilly also encourages fans to write to his email address - oreilly@foxnews.com - if they have any questions and/or suggestions regarding Killing The American Dream. 
 
Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

Kerry and McCain Debate Over Who Is More Relevant in Today's Society

When it comes to international issues, particularly those that the majority of people say they don't want to be involved with, the public can count on political rivals John Kerry, the United States Secretary of State, and John McCain, an Arizona senator, to stir up conversation over their relevancy to foreign affairs. Lately, John Kerry believes that President Obama has a right to strike in Syria, regardless of what Congress thinks. John McCain, on the other hand, believes that the United States should stay out of Syria's conflicts. Since Kerry does not realize how bad of a negotiator he is for Syrian weapons, John McCain thought it would be best to stop him... before he gets bored by Kerry's rantings again. 

John McCain took his unhappiness with Kerry to Twitter, tweeting that Kerry's remarks are "unbelievably unhelpful" regarding Syria. McCain also wanted to tweet about his feelings for Kerry, calling him a scumbag, dick-headed jerk who only cares about what he wants; unfortunately, the tweet was not posted because it exceeded more than 140 characters, plus it contained some "colorful vocabulary" from the Arizona senator. 

John Kerry was offended by the criticism he received, especially by John McCain who he thought was his non-political buddy. Calling from London, England, he held a few-minute debate with John McCain in a recorded phone call.

From the phone call:
John Kerry: Look McCain. As much as I love you for your honesty, when I say that Syria will be an "unbelievably small effort", I really mean it.
John McCain: You don't even know what that means.
Kerry: Sure I do, but you and the general media misunderstand me.
McCain: On what exactly? All I'm saying is that small efforts eventually turn into bigger efforts than anticipated, and America ends up in another full-blown war in the next few years. I should know, for I am a war hero.
Kerry: Sitting in prison during the Vietnam war does not make you a war hero. I'm sorry, but you sat in a isolated prison by the enemy drinking your own piss for survival. Didn't you, at least, think about escaping?
McCain: At least people remember I fought in that war, unlike you.

Within a few minutes, the conversation got heated.

[Continued]
McCain: By the way, you never told me your reasoning for invading Syria.
Kerry: Chemical weapons! Assad crossed the red line by using sarin gas!
McCain: Besides that.
Kerry: What? Well what other reason is valid for invading Syria?
McCain: Oh, I don't know, maybe people live there. You know, besides Assad and the rebels.
Kerry: I swear, the more I talk to you, the more I'm convinced you're smoking something.
McCain: I'm pretty sure it's from hanging around people like you.

Kerry: I still can't believe you don't favor invading Syria.
McCain: Oh no, I support it, but not for your extreme reasons. We shouldn't put soldiers there.
Kerry: But you supported the Iraq war! You wanted more troops based there!
McCain: Yes, but I also thought I would win the presidency years ago. Didn't know I would lose to Obama.
Kerry: The rest of us didn't know you wanted Sarah Palin as your vice president.
McCain: Okay, so she wasn't the smartest of the bunch outside of Alaska. I can live with that, but at least I didn't loose to Bush while supporting the Iraq war. Now that would have been embarrassing.
Kerry: Hey, I never supported war in Iraq! Ask the many journalists on MSNBC.
McCain: Right. And then in a few years, you'll deny that you ever supported war in Syria in the first place.

Kerry: If there's one thing that makes me more relevant than you, I'm actually going out into the world and demanding action. All you ever do nowadays is sit on your lazy ass to "tweet" funny jokes on Twitter and play online poker on your iPhone... during Senator meetings!
McCain: I can't help that you guys bore me. Being distracted with my iPhone is better than taking a nap.
Kerry: Well if you think the Senator meetings are boring, why don't you just retire?
McCain: I'll retire if you retire with me. We can go to Sun City together. I heard the ladies over there are very friendly.
Kerry: Yeah, um, I don't think so.
McCain: Oh, did I tell I lost money from the last game I played?
Kerry: I know. I saw your tweet.

McCain: It's been nice talking to you and all, bu we still shouldn't use military action against Syria. The whole thing is just a big kerfuffle waiting to explode.
Kerry: Hey, I have an idea! If President Obama decides to strike Syria, maybe you should help and fight. After all, everyone knows you're a war hero.
McCain: I'll go if you go with me. Besides, it would be nice for you to reunite with your old friend Assad, right?
Kerry: What?
McCain: You don't remember dining with Assad?
Kerry: Uh... that was, um, somebody's online fan fiction written about me! Yeah, um, I...
McCain: I'll bet Assad would love to reconcile with you, just as we are doing now. The three of us can chat over a nice dinner and have a marvelous time. I'll even introduce you to some of the people I met during my trip in Syria months ago.
Kerry: Oh boy.
McCain: Oh, and when we get back to America, maybe the first thing we should do next is legalize pot! I heard being "half baked" might help me win my online poker games more often. Speaking of online poker, my iPhone is calling my name. Bye, and have a safe trip!
[McCain hangs up.]
Kerry: You crazy bastard.
[Kerry hangs up.]

As of September 9th, there has been no word on whether or not Kerry and McCain will make up from their fighting.

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

Chaos In Weinergate Part Two: Some Last Minute Campaign Strategies

The days are coming closer before New York citizens can vote for the state's next mayor. But no other candidate has been talked about more than "Mr. Sexting Machine" Anthony Weiner. Before his campaign days are over, Weiner is trying to make sure he gets his last-minute campaign strategies together so New Yorkers know that he's just a regular man with big dreams.

In a recent media appearance, Weiner explained his tactics he thinks will help him win the ongoing mayoral campaign. First, he will attempt to make an appearance at a cultural parade while promoting his campaign.

Then, he will pose as a local New York weatherman while making audiences believe that they should either vote for him or they are just too tired in the mornings.

He also plans to confront anybody who publicly attacks him before election day, and he will do so without shame (particularly confronting Jewish voters, knowing that the argument is anything but kosher).

Of course, he acknowledges that these tactics alone will not easily convince voters to elect him.

On the night of Friday September 6th, Anthony Weiner plans to host New York's largest Rosh Hashanah blowout party in honor of current mayor Michael Bloomberg. Weiner even invited special guests Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke to perform "Blurred Lines" at the party. When asked why he was inviting them in the first place, Weiner responded, "I thought their performance was great at the VMA's, and I can totally relate to Robin's song. I mean, there's blurred lines in my life. Oh, and that foam finger."

He will be teaching a free seminar at New York University over the weekend. He explained to the press that the seminar will teach citizens about Human Nature and why it's hard to fight the body's many natural urges.

He will host New York's first ever "Bike Race Rally to End Bike Lanes" during Saturday afternoon.

He will visit as many local places as he can to enforce his love for small businesses. In turn, if someone talks about his personal life again, he will attack them.

He plans to promote a book-reading campaign to gain the votes of parents. He believes it will help ensure critical reading for the future generations, and he also discovered what one can do with a book.
 
Most importantly, Anthony Weiner will try to get the cell phone numbers of every registered New York voter so he can text them as a reminder to vote for him before election day.

Nevertheless, Anthony Weiner is not only desperate to become mayor, but desperate enough to win the hearts of new York citizens as he fights everything he's got win. Even if it works, only God knows whether or not New York, much less the rest of the world, can be saved from danger... Carlos Danger.

Good luck New York.

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

If The Late Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Lived in 2013...

 

Wednesday the 28th officially marked the 50th anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s historic "I Have A Dream" speech. While it seems that people still talk about the memorial rally in celebration of the event, I couldn't help but think more towards today's events rather than look back on history. However, with all the discussion over King, I asked myself this. If the late Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. were alive in 2013, what would he think about the America today versus the America from the past?

I think that if the late Dr. King, Jr. lived in 2013, 50 years later after his speech, there are definitely several changes in the world that he would probably noticed. Obviously, one could say that if he was alive, he would be proud of America for electing a Black man as president. But there's more than just a change of skin with a president.

• He would see that, in today's demanding society, people now judge each other by several factors - their lifestyles, their amount of Facebook friends and Twitter followers, their photos on Instagram, their sexual orientation, and their overall physical appearance - rather than judge people by their character. Didn't this guy realize that not judging everybody by character requires too much work? Seriously, one does not simply trust others to be true to themselves.

• He would sadly learn that a majority of people care more about the latest Hollywood celebrity acting trashy out in public than worry about social issues and foreign affairs. Celebrities doing bad behavior just happen to be more important, especially since they affect the children who watch them. They don't even understand what they are watching!

• He would be happy to learn that more minority students, particularly his people, are getting access to more college opportunities and scholarships, but might not realize that the colleges are using reverse racism to fill up their school population by year. Ask any Caucasian.

•  He would be sad that his people pull out the "race card" whenever they are made fun of, yet they find it acceptable to call each other "niggas" out in public.

• He would find it weird that for a strong country, its people still can't talk about racial boundaries and race in general. 

• He wouldn't understand the fascination with twerking (then again, nobody does).

• He wouldn't understand why people stereotype Blacks with a strange love for things like fried chicken and flavored kool-aid. 

• He wouldn't tolerate the behavior from MSNBC, CNN, and  Fox News Channel's public figures. However, I bet he would make an interesting guest, and could give their anchor's a run for their paychecks (expect maybe Anderson Cooper. I think he could handle interviewing King). 

• He would want to help out the poor and the unemployed in America, but that might result in more death threats besides by mail. 

• He would think that recent controversy over voter suppression laws are taking America as far back as the 1950's (I heard those were "happier times", but other than watching old TV shows like I Love Lucy, I'm not that convinced).

• But hey, maybe he would be friends with this guy:

Although these are just several things, I think he would be ashamed at certain American people over who is and is not invited to his 50th anniversary memorial rally (For example, if someone is Black but their political affiliation is conservative, they obviously wouldn't be allowed to go for some reason). I would think he would want as many people as possible to gather together and celebrate moving forward with the future rather than hold on to the past. But of course, that is his dream, not the American dream. Nevertheless, I believe he would want to live in a different country if he were alive today, like maybe the United Kingdom. Either way, the struggle to move to a better world continues.

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.