Department Stores Prepare for "White Weekend 2014", Promoting The War on Thanksgiving

It's that time of year again, where department stores nationwide prepare their employees for the one day that really counts in shopping (or so they think) - Black Friday. Over recent years though has Black Friday slowly lost interest with shoppers. As a result of  these department stores not wanting to loose on any business opportunities they can get, many have already decided to prepare for the next Black Friday event - only, it will not be called Black Friday anymore. Instead, these stores are in preparation for a new shopping event called "White Weekend" beginning November 26th, 2014.

White Weekend begins on Wednesday evening, making the event transfer into Thanksgiving and the weekend until the beginning of Cyber Monday. Several big retailers including Walmart, Target, Best Buy, and Toys R Us will begin opening their stores nationwide on Wednesday evening and will stay open late on Black Friday. Throughout these hours, these stores give holiday shoppers the time to prepare and shop at their stores in order to get their Christmas shopping done. The purpose of White Weekend is to promote shopping and going out during the holiday instead of potential customers sitting around lazily in their cozy homes watching whatever is on television.

Many of the spokespeople for these retailers believe stores should take advantage of having huge sales, particularly when the holidays are approaching. But when asked by reporters on their thoughts on sacrificing the Thanksgiving holiday in exchange for savings on better deals people otherwise would not have, many replied, "Thanksgiving? What Thanksgiving?"

A spokesperson for Walmart said in a statement, "The only time Thanksgiving ever happens is when families gather around eating dinner while watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade with all their singing acts, Broadway musicals and marching bands perform out in the cold. And besides, what choice do we have? This year's calender was screwed up, and so is next year's. We must have holiday shopping sometime."

The spokesperson added, "Don't get me wrong, but Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful for the people in your life you otherwise find annoying. It's simple - you say 'Grace' one day, and then the next day while you're punching others for the new flat screen TV you forget that you even counted your blessings with your loved ones to begin with. By the way, did you know that we have a campaign to make our products say they were made in America? Definitely come check that out."

Needless to say, as long as there will be crazy shoppers snatching deals all while acting like toddlers, there will be opportunities for retailers to stay open during the holidays.  

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

Toronto Council Votes to Relocate Rob Ford to America, Claims Canada Doesn't Want to Deal with Him

TORONTO -These past couple of weeks, Toronto mayor Rob Ford has been open about his crack use, to which Canadian citizens turn their heads and ask, "Weed, eh?"

Toronto's City Council has already stripped Mayor Ford from his powers, claiming he's definitely a crack addict. But Rob Ford's struggle to cooperate with the council has led them to decide between two choices - either keep the mayor as a sitting duck, or relocate him to a city in America.

The council has decided, after several hearings and a 37- 4 vote, to force him to temporary move to America so he can supposedly get help and clean up his act.

According to the council, Mayor Ford is not only accused of smoking crack, but his other accusations include excessive drinking, harassing staffers, and now physically assaulting council members. Despite the mayor's pleas to stay in office and continue doing his job, the council concluded that Ford "is a dangerous man who seems too incompetent to do his job" and his relocating to America is simply "for the greater good of Canada".

A council member, who chose to remain anonymous, told the huge crowd of press reporters the reasoning behind the decision. "Canada, Toronto especially, doesn't need a politician involved in these scandalous acts," she said. "That's what we have America for. They like to do whatever they please, while we Canadians have to stick with our squeaky-clean image."

A male council member, also anonymous, chose to chip in on the story. "This is the kind of behavior we expect from our neighboring country America and their leaders, not from a Canadian leader," explained the male council member, "Americans get crazy when their leaders misbehave, but they're used to it. We're not used to this before. The only good thing that has come out of this is, at least, America remembers that Canada still exist." 

"A true Canadian isn't known for wild behavior," said the same female council member to the press, "But I believe American ideals can corrupt the mind of a Canadian. I mean, just look at Justin Bieber for example. He used to be such an innocent, young Canadian boy whose sole dream was to make music. Then, out of nowhere, America falls in love with him as he becomes 'America's Sweetheart', making him an instant celebrity. Nowadays, almost everyone hears about him doing drugs and partying all over the world with wild strippers while messing with paid whores just so he can get laid. As much as we don't like Ford's actions, we wouldn't want to hear that he has wild parties with hookers inside his own office. That's a show nobody should have to even imagine."

Obviously, Mayor Ford did not agree with the council on the terms of their decision. Ford himself burst into outrage at the council's new proposal for him. His comments include, "Oh ha ha, like all of you sitting here are innocent! Why don't all of you submit to drug and alcohol testing yourselves since you all claim I have fucking issues," and, "America? Yeah right! I got a new TV show, bitches! I ain't going anywhere!"  

Still, Toronto's City Council believes it should be Rob Ford's best interest to move to an American city just so he can get help. They also suggested to the powerless mayor that he can temporarily change his name to "Chris Farley" if he pleased.

"That man... he clearly has issues," said the male council member after another hearing. "He needs to get himself checked in somewhere such as, perhaps, a mental hospital before he does anymore damage and hurts his family like his wife or his brother Doug. Oh, wait... never mind then. Doug's already hurt himself just for his involvement."

There is no word whether or not Rob Ford will accept the offer to get help in America rather than stay in Canada and continue his role as mayor with limited powers.

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

Chris Christie For Democrat Nomination in 2016 Presidential Campaign

TRENTON - After last Tuesday's elections in individual states, the GOP struggles with their reputation of anti-progress. Unfortunately for the party, New Jersey's Governor Chris Christie acts the exact opposite from the political party's desires.

Governor Christie is considered for a nomination as a Democrat candidate in the upcoming 2016 presidential election, simply because the GOP wants nothing to do with him.

Since Hurricane Sandy, both the Democrats and Republicans have questioned his true interest and intentions for American society. But Republicans worry about it more as Christie does not appear to be as self-centered as other notable members. 

It's not that most of the politicians in the GOP hate him personally; however, many do not want him ruining their chances of getting nominated. Take Kentucky's junior Senator Rand Paul for example; he seems the most concerned of such action to ever happen, even believing he is more "moderate" than "conservative", except... he really doesn't like Christie personally.

"I don't take the 'King of Bacon' seriously," explained Senator Paul, "because he doesn't represent the GOP's main ideals. He believes his views are the only correct views, and that's all. Besides, I can't really see him getting himself around the issues."

Other GOP public figures spoke on Christie. Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin spoke her views on NBC's TODAY, congratulating the Governor on his re-election, but saying she wouldn't put her faith on him. When asked why, she replied, "Are you kidding? It's because I'm selfish and I want to run for president! You have no idea how badly I want to be at the White House! If anybody deserves it, it's me, not Christie!" Rick Perry also expressed his views, asking if he was really a conservative just because he is in New Jersey. "I don't know if he really a conservative or not," stated Perry, "I mean, maybe he should be a Democrat candidate. But if he agrees with Wendy Davis, then I'll know."

Although Democrats aren't sure what to think of Christie, they are willing to accept him based on the progress he's made from legalizing gay marriage to supporting the Black and Hispanic communities.

Some even worry about the Governor's weight if he became president in the future. "Well, you know, if he does become president and gets any bigger, many will worry whether or not he can fit into William Taft's bathtub," sneered Paul.

Nevertheless, Christie doesn't seem worried. And even though the GOP doesn't want to see Governor Christie represent them in 2016, many have admitted that he is better to run against than Hillary Clinton.

"It's better to run against a fat bully than a female bully," said Paul.

"I rather run against Christie than [Hillary Clinton]," stated Palin, "I don't like that bitch."

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

Unmanned Test Drone Lands Near Sheriff Joe Arpaio's Home

PHOENIX - Arizona may be known for more than just the beauty of the Grand Canyon thanks to "America's Toughest Sheriff" Joe Arpaio. The Arizona Sheriff is planning to establish unmanned drones to fly over the state, only right now, it is having some technical difficulties.

An unmanned and unarmed test drone landed near the Sheriff's home earlier this morning. According to reports, the Sheriff was outside of his home when he clearly spotted the drone in the sunrise. The drone, however, then spun out of control in the air while a voice monitor rang, "ERROR, ERROR!" The drone flew downwards, almost crashing near the Sheriff himself as witnessed by terrified neighbors. 

In an afternoon press conference, Arpaio explained that the main purpose of these drones is to spot criminals and anybody who looks suspicious of criminal activity. These drones, once established, will hoover over most of Arizona during the day. Arpaio also wants to test the drones near the Arizona border due to the lack of support for border security in Washington.

Arpaio was able to relocate where the second test drone had landed, only to pinpoint the home address of Governor Jan Brewer.

Brewer told local reporters that before she went outside and saw the drone coming down towards her, she had been relaxing in her home by drinking coffee and rewriting a proposed policy against the DREAMers act. Although Brewer admitted that watching the drone frightened her, she believed Arpaio's security plan is heading in the right direction. She told one local reporter, "[The drones] should help make Arizona a little more secure, especially if they will be used towards the border. I have been advocating for border security for many months now, so hopefully these future drones will benefit society. I'm sure every person in this great state of Arizona wants more security, just like I do."

Whether or not Arpaio's drone plan will ever happen, he would still need approval from the Federal Aviation Administration in order to legally use them. When asked if he was worried that the FAA would not approve of his drone plan, Arpaio responded, "Of course they can't say no! Are you kidding? If case you haven't noticed, I'm the god-damn sheriff! Lord knows I can take them to Tent City, and trust me, they will quickly change their minds."

Still, Arpaio admitted that the test drones will need more work and to fix up the glitches. "I hope, if my drone plan is approved, that no drones fly near my home," stated Arpaio, "That's the wrong place to look for criminals."

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

President Obama Cancels Congress's Upcoming Halloween Party

President Barack Obama is tired of waiting on Congress to negotiate with him to raise the debt ceiling and end the government shutdown, which now reaches thirteen days. Disgusted by the lack of action, President Obama decided earlier today to announce on C-Span and in front of Congressional Leaders that if Congress do not propose a plan anytime soon, he will cancel their upcoming Halloween party at the White House, as well as any future parties.

GOP leader, groaned over the president's new decision, resulting in Obama yelling, "Hey, hey! Quit the drama!"

John Boehner, United State House Speaker and Congress's party planner, was invited to speak on the president's decision. As he took the stand, he burst into outrage. "Are you kidding me? This is the one thing we've been looking forward to all year! I have been planning this party for months!" complained Boehner to Obama.

"I'm sorry John," said Obama to Boehner, "but this party is too expensive. This great nation already has nearly 17 trillion dollars in debt. We can't keep ignoring that forever. This party of yours will only add to the deficient."

When it was John Boehner's turn to speak again, he described what the party would have been like had it not been canceled. C-Span's camera crews recorded every action.

"I had the evening's entertainment all planned out. I was going to have Ted Cruz recite his favorite Dr. Seuss book Green Eggs and Ham while dressed as Hollywood star Ashton Kutcher, followed by a few-minute play about sick children with cancer not receiving their benefits staring Harry Reid, and then finally, Michelle Bachmann and I would teach everybody how to twerk," explained Boehner. "Even former president George W. Bush was planning to come, mainly to show off his artwork. However, I don't know if Dick Cheney would show, canceled or not. When I invited him, he said he didn't want to see Bush and that they're not on speaking terms. Nevertheless, you can't cancel this party! We were even going to serve Miller Beer!"  

"Well, you could still have your party," said Obama after thinking about it for a while. "All you have to do is negotiate with me a plan that will not only work for the new fiscal year, but will not raise the national debt up any higher by October 17th."

Boehner then added, "Did I mention that we were going to play 'pin the tail on the donkey'? Expect not on a cut-out of a donkey, but of you instead, you know? Cuz you're an ass."

"You could still have the party at my house. I don't mind visitors," spoke Vice President Joe Biden. Cheers and applause filled the room.

"That's um... nice, Joe," said Obama, confoundedly.

Nevertheless, President Obama still canceled the party held at the White House until further notice on progress between him and Congress. According to Boehner though, the president is currently off the guest list.

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

Jay Carney Wants To Quit His Job After Government Shutdown Ends

WASHINGTON - Nine days into government shutdown, and everybody wants answers to questions like, "When will this shutdown be over?", and so on. While President Barack Obama and House Speaker John Boehner keep the nation on the edge of their seat with their bickering, government leaders are put under pressure. But nobody is put under pressure more than White House Secretary Jay Carney.

For Carney, he has to meet with the press almost every day answering questions about the government shutdown and what his boss President Obama has to say regarding the issue. Despite Obama's absences from these meetings, Carney holds his ground with these desperate reporters... until now.

On Wednesday's press conference with the White House Correspondents, Carney continued answering questions addressing any process made in Washington, D.C. by officials. Questions such as, "How long will this government shutdown last?", "What will happen to the troops fighting in Afghanistan?", and "What does President Obama think of the football team 'Washington Redskins'?", etc. made their way into the conference. Jay Carney behaved professionally until one reporter asked the one question that made him loose his temper:

"Mr. Carney, now that several reporters have called you out on your lies, what more lies lay ahead regarding the government shutdown?"

"Alright, that's it," yelled Carney, "I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"

Correspondents sat in shock as they then witnessed Jay Carney rip up his notes.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I sincerely apologize," declared Carney, "But as soon as this stupid government shutdown is over, I'm quitting my job!"

When asked by reporters why he was suddenly considering quitting as an option, Carney took off his glasses, raising his fist in sheer anger.

"Why? You all ask why?", Carney asked, followed by rage, "I'll tell you why! Because all you people do is sit around and ask me questions about the president while treating me like I am President Obama's personal lap dog! Plus, all you 'journalist' only want to hear answers without actually listening to what I have to say! And then you all get mad at me when I don't have the answer you want to hear! Well guess what? I don't always know what's going on around here, so stop asking me! Just because I wear a pair of glasses, that doesn't mean I'm a god damn wizard!"

Carney continued on his temper tantrum, ranting and insulting the White House Correspondents. "Hey, since you'll all correspondents, why don't you guys actually go outside and report something newsworthy? Don't blame me for the government shutdown, for I wasn't part of it! Go ahead and piss all over Sylvia Burwell since it's her fault! She's the one who single-handily ordered this shutdown to happen in the first place! Yet there's hardly any mention of her from your colleagues! Why don't you go and actually do your job?"

Carney then ended the conference stating, "If all of you have a serious problem with me, take it outside where a personal soapbox will be set up for you! I'M OUTTA HERE!"

After the Correspondents had been officially dismissed from the conference, Jay Carney went into his office and requested to have the rest of the year off as soon as the government shutdown was over.

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

Mitt and Ann Romney Express Comments Over Government Shutdown

So far in October 2013, the government shutdown has affected hundreds to thousands of Americans in terms of their lifestyles. Already in day five, President Obama and the 535 members of Congress struggle to find common ground. But the shutdown crisis leaves some people to think perhaps the most unusual questions: If Mitt Romney had been president instead, would this have happened under him? And if so, what would Mitt Romney do?

To answer these questions, Mitt Romney and his family offered their time to talk about their concerns on the government shutdown in their luxurious home. Meanwhile, Ann Romney used this as an opportunity to promote her new cookbook The Romney Family Table.

"I think it is unfortunate that a government shutdown happened," said Mitt Romney to a CNN journalist. "I agree with Obama that it did not have to happen, but my Republican friends would think I am suddenly siding with the Democrats just like most of the country. "

When Mitt Romney was asked about President Obama canceling his week-long trip to Asia in order to deal with issues, Romney responded, "He's doing the right thing to stay home. However, I don't think he needed to cancel his trip entirely. He could have just asked me to go for him instead. I know I can afford it."

When Ann Romney was asked by a couple of reporters whether or not a government shutdown would happen if her husband had been president, she responded, "I highly doubt it. In fact, [my husband] would have prevented Obamacare from ever happening mainly because it is just plain silly. You know what would be really great? If this government shutdown or something dramatically horrible encouraged the public to give Mitt another chance and run for president again. I know I have said 'Never again', but maybe if something even bigger happened like the economy completely collapsing under Obama, I think it would encourage him to run at least one more time to prove his worth. Not that I want anything horrible to happen, nor do I want Mitt to run just for publicity."

Both Mitt and Ann Romney laughed when asked by reporters how the government shutdown had affected their lives.

As reporters were leaving the Romney home, Ann Romney was heard shouting, "Don't forget to buy my cookbook at your local bookstores! It's on bookshelves now!"

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.