MTV Announces New Holiday Special - "Miley Cyrus' Twerkin' New Year Extravaganza!"

Miley Cyrus, from the VMA's earlier, shows off how clean and healthy her tongue is.

LOS ANGELES - 2013 has been anything but a normal year for Miley Cyrus, the 21-year-old singer and former Disney sweetheart. To wrap up all the fun she has been having, MTV announced that she will be hosting her own New Years special entitled Miley Cyrus' Twerkin' New Year Extravaganza! at Madison Square Garden in New York City. Yes, everything people know and love about Cyrus will be there - the weird-looking teddy bears, the wrecking ball, the spandex, the tongue, the foam finger, even the random, big, orange kitty - except for Hannah Montana, of course.

According to MTV, her first special will start airing at 9 P.M. Eastern Time on New Year's Eve. Although the special will contain much of shock value as well as dig deep behind the singer's background, a representative from MTV suggest that nobody under the age of eighteen should watch this in fear of helicopter parents complaining over their children witnessing their fallen idol's grotesque behavior.

The MTV special will be rated TV-MA for "Mature Adults Only" for several reasons (spoilers ahead):

• Cyrus will hold a smoking contest on stage known as a "Crack Showdown" with former Disney colleague Joe Jonas and Canadian mayor Rob Ford (nobody knows why).
• Cyrus opens up about her father's drug use with cocaine.
• Cyrus will also reveal that after Hannah Montana exposed her identity, she was mugged by an angry mob of parents who realized how fake she was, and as a result, she staged her own death in order to make people feel sorry for Montana and her non-existent career. Cyrus will mention as well that Hannah Montana is currently in hiding from the general public but wants people to believe that she is dead.
• Jimmy Fallon and The Roots will perform We Can't Stop with Cyrus in an attempt to promote The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon. Fallon will also become a chip-n-dale dancer during the song.
• Robin Thicke will make a surprise entrance as Beatlejuice, even saying his signature catchphrase: "IT'S SHOWTIME!" They will perform Blurred Lines with new and improved choreography.
•  A twerking contest will be held in the audience to see who can twerk the hardest. Whoever wins gets a free shirt that shows Cyrus humping a foam finger and saying, "Twerk Hard or Twerk Home!"
• Cyrus will actually perform her hit song Wrecking Ball naked, expect for her head which she will wear a Mickey Mouse Ears hat.
• Other songs Cyrus plans to perform include Who Owns My Heart, Party in the U.S.A., and Can't Be Tamed. These songs are additional so that she can prove how bad-ass of a rebel she is.
• Billy Ray Cyrus will shake his head in disgust throughout the special.

According to Cyrus herself, anybody college age and older can attend live in New York except for two people - one being her ex-fiance Liam Hemsworth, and the other being his Hunger Games co-star Jennifer Lawrence. To her, they are hypocrites simply because they do not think like her.

As for viewers, just remember to check local listings and turn in to MTV on New Year's Eve for Miley Cyrus' Twerkin' New Year Extravaganza! for almost everybody knows she can't stop... and she won't stop.

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

Controversey Strikes With Grown Adults Over Future "Toy Story 4" Film

EMERYVILLE - One of Hollywood's most beloved movie studios Pixar is known as home to many successful computer-animated films which includes the characters from the Toy Story Franchise. But during the Thanksgiving weekend, Pixar's partner company Disney announced that Toy Story 4 is already in the works as another upcoming sequel in the franchise.Much to dismay, despite the fact that the film is in its pre-production stage such as making sure most of the original voice actors are still alive, there is already some controversy over its supposed plot.

Nearly three and a half years after the release of the 2010 summer blockbuster Toy Story 3, a study group made up of parents, teachers, and just random adults in general were used as a test group at Pixar Animation Studios in order to determine the official plot for Toy Story 4. Based on their test group, the theme that hit most with them was the theme of abandonment. They even film the test group crying over the toys being accidentally abandoned by their new kid owner Bonnie.

The test group also voice concerns as to whether today's children will understand the difference between reality and fantasy with the toys as they come to life in every movie. Then again, most in the group was revealed to be emotionally attached to the toys then the children they have studied in the past.

But the main matter that everyone seemed mixed about was over Ken and whether or not he is implied to be gay. This caused sparks with adults who leaned more towards the conservative side of the political spectrum. However, Pixar representatives assured the group that Ken is just a man who loves fashion and nothing more.

Disney has also expressed interest in Pixar making Toy Story 5 and Toy Story 6, but no word from Pixar representatives on whether or not those projects are even up for consideration.

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story. 

Department Stores Prepare for "White Weekend 2014", Promoting The War on Thanksgiving

It's that time of year again, where department stores nationwide prepare their employees for the one day that really counts in shopping (or so they think) - Black Friday. Over recent years though has Black Friday slowly lost interest with shoppers. As a result of  these department stores not wanting to loose on any business opportunities they can get, many have already decided to prepare for the next Black Friday event - only, it will not be called Black Friday anymore. Instead, these stores are in preparation for a new shopping event called "White Weekend" beginning November 26th, 2014.

White Weekend begins on Wednesday evening, making the event transfer into Thanksgiving and the weekend until the beginning of Cyber Monday. Several big retailers including Walmart, Target, Best Buy, and Toys R Us will begin opening their stores nationwide on Wednesday evening and will stay open late on Black Friday. Throughout these hours, these stores give holiday shoppers the time to prepare and shop at their stores in order to get their Christmas shopping done. The purpose of White Weekend is to promote shopping and going out during the holiday instead of potential customers sitting around lazily in their cozy homes watching whatever is on television.

Many of the spokespeople for these retailers believe stores should take advantage of having huge sales, particularly when the holidays are approaching. But when asked by reporters on their thoughts on sacrificing the Thanksgiving holiday in exchange for savings on better deals people otherwise would not have, many replied, "Thanksgiving? What Thanksgiving?"

A spokesperson for Walmart said in a statement, "The only time Thanksgiving ever happens is when families gather around eating dinner while watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade with all their singing acts, Broadway musicals and marching bands perform out in the cold. And besides, what choice do we have? This year's calender was screwed up, and so is next year's. We must have holiday shopping sometime."

The spokesperson added, "Don't get me wrong, but Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful for the people in your life you otherwise find annoying. It's simple - you say 'Grace' one day, and then the next day while you're punching others for the new flat screen TV you forget that you even counted your blessings with your loved ones to begin with. By the way, did you know that we have a campaign to make our products say they were made in America? Definitely come check that out."

Needless to say, as long as there will be crazy shoppers snatching deals all while acting like toddlers, there will be opportunities for retailers to stay open during the holidays.  

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

Toronto Council Votes to Relocate Rob Ford to America, Claims Canada Doesn't Want to Deal with Him

TORONTO -These past couple of weeks, Toronto mayor Rob Ford has been open about his crack use, to which Canadian citizens turn their heads and ask, "Weed, eh?"

Toronto's City Council has already stripped Mayor Ford from his powers, claiming he's definitely a crack addict. But Rob Ford's struggle to cooperate with the council has led them to decide between two choices - either keep the mayor as a sitting duck, or relocate him to a city in America.

The council has decided, after several hearings and a 37- 4 vote, to force him to temporary move to America so he can supposedly get help and clean up his act.

According to the council, Mayor Ford is not only accused of smoking crack, but his other accusations include excessive drinking, harassing staffers, and now physically assaulting council members. Despite the mayor's pleas to stay in office and continue doing his job, the council concluded that Ford "is a dangerous man who seems too incompetent to do his job" and his relocating to America is simply "for the greater good of Canada".

A council member, who chose to remain anonymous, told the huge crowd of press reporters the reasoning behind the decision. "Canada, Toronto especially, doesn't need a politician involved in these scandalous acts," she said. "That's what we have America for. They like to do whatever they please, while we Canadians have to stick with our squeaky-clean image."

A male council member, also anonymous, chose to chip in on the story. "This is the kind of behavior we expect from our neighboring country America and their leaders, not from a Canadian leader," explained the male council member, "Americans get crazy when their leaders misbehave, but they're used to it. We're not used to this before. The only good thing that has come out of this is, at least, America remembers that Canada still exist." 

"A true Canadian isn't known for wild behavior," said the same female council member to the press, "But I believe American ideals can corrupt the mind of a Canadian. I mean, just look at Justin Bieber for example. He used to be such an innocent, young Canadian boy whose sole dream was to make music. Then, out of nowhere, America falls in love with him as he becomes 'America's Sweetheart', making him an instant celebrity. Nowadays, almost everyone hears about him doing drugs and partying all over the world with wild strippers while messing with paid whores just so he can get laid. As much as we don't like Ford's actions, we wouldn't want to hear that he has wild parties with hookers inside his own office. That's a show nobody should have to even imagine."

Obviously, Mayor Ford did not agree with the council on the terms of their decision. Ford himself burst into outrage at the council's new proposal for him. His comments include, "Oh ha ha, like all of you sitting here are innocent! Why don't all of you submit to drug and alcohol testing yourselves since you all claim I have fucking issues," and, "America? Yeah right! I got a new TV show, bitches! I ain't going anywhere!"  

Still, Toronto's City Council believes it should be Rob Ford's best interest to move to an American city just so he can get help. They also suggested to the powerless mayor that he can temporarily change his name to "Chris Farley" if he pleased.

"That man... he clearly has issues," said the male council member after another hearing. "He needs to get himself checked in somewhere such as, perhaps, a mental hospital before he does anymore damage and hurts his family like his wife or his brother Doug. Oh, wait... never mind then. Doug's already hurt himself just for his involvement."

There is no word whether or not Rob Ford will accept the offer to get help in America rather than stay in Canada and continue his role as mayor with limited powers.

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

Chris Christie For Democrat Nomination in 2016 Presidential Campaign

TRENTON - After last Tuesday's elections in individual states, the GOP struggles with their reputation of anti-progress. Unfortunately for the party, New Jersey's Governor Chris Christie acts the exact opposite from the political party's desires.

Governor Christie is considered for a nomination as a Democrat candidate in the upcoming 2016 presidential election, simply because the GOP wants nothing to do with him.

Since Hurricane Sandy, both the Democrats and Republicans have questioned his true interest and intentions for American society. But Republicans worry about it more as Christie does not appear to be as self-centered as other notable members. 

It's not that most of the politicians in the GOP hate him personally; however, many do not want him ruining their chances of getting nominated. Take Kentucky's junior Senator Rand Paul for example; he seems the most concerned of such action to ever happen, even believing he is more "moderate" than "conservative", except... he really doesn't like Christie personally.

"I don't take the 'King of Bacon' seriously," explained Senator Paul, "because he doesn't represent the GOP's main ideals. He believes his views are the only correct views, and that's all. Besides, I can't really see him getting himself around the issues."

Other GOP public figures spoke on Christie. Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin spoke her views on NBC's TODAY, congratulating the Governor on his re-election, but saying she wouldn't put her faith on him. When asked why, she replied, "Are you kidding? It's because I'm selfish and I want to run for president! You have no idea how badly I want to be at the White House! If anybody deserves it, it's me, not Christie!" Rick Perry also expressed his views, asking if he was really a conservative just because he is in New Jersey. "I don't know if he really a conservative or not," stated Perry, "I mean, maybe he should be a Democrat candidate. But if he agrees with Wendy Davis, then I'll know."

Although Democrats aren't sure what to think of Christie, they are willing to accept him based on the progress he's made from legalizing gay marriage to supporting the Black and Hispanic communities.

Some even worry about the Governor's weight if he became president in the future. "Well, you know, if he does become president and gets any bigger, many will worry whether or not he can fit into William Taft's bathtub," sneered Paul.

Nevertheless, Christie doesn't seem worried. And even though the GOP doesn't want to see Governor Christie represent them in 2016, many have admitted that he is better to run against than Hillary Clinton.

"It's better to run against a fat bully than a female bully," said Paul.

"I rather run against Christie than [Hillary Clinton]," stated Palin, "I don't like that bitch."

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

Unmanned Test Drone Lands Near Sheriff Joe Arpaio's Home

PHOENIX - Arizona may be known for more than just the beauty of the Grand Canyon thanks to "America's Toughest Sheriff" Joe Arpaio. The Arizona Sheriff is planning to establish unmanned drones to fly over the state, only right now, it is having some technical difficulties.

An unmanned and unarmed test drone landed near the Sheriff's home earlier this morning. According to reports, the Sheriff was outside of his home when he clearly spotted the drone in the sunrise. The drone, however, then spun out of control in the air while a voice monitor rang, "ERROR, ERROR!" The drone flew downwards, almost crashing near the Sheriff himself as witnessed by terrified neighbors. 

In an afternoon press conference, Arpaio explained that the main purpose of these drones is to spot criminals and anybody who looks suspicious of criminal activity. These drones, once established, will hoover over most of Arizona during the day. Arpaio also wants to test the drones near the Arizona border due to the lack of support for border security in Washington.

Arpaio was able to relocate where the second test drone had landed, only to pinpoint the home address of Governor Jan Brewer.

Brewer told local reporters that before she went outside and saw the drone coming down towards her, she had been relaxing in her home by drinking coffee and rewriting a proposed policy against the DREAMers act. Although Brewer admitted that watching the drone frightened her, she believed Arpaio's security plan is heading in the right direction. She told one local reporter, "[The drones] should help make Arizona a little more secure, especially if they will be used towards the border. I have been advocating for border security for many months now, so hopefully these future drones will benefit society. I'm sure every person in this great state of Arizona wants more security, just like I do."

Whether or not Arpaio's drone plan will ever happen, he would still need approval from the Federal Aviation Administration in order to legally use them. When asked if he was worried that the FAA would not approve of his drone plan, Arpaio responded, "Of course they can't say no! Are you kidding? If case you haven't noticed, I'm the god-damn sheriff! Lord knows I can take them to Tent City, and trust me, they will quickly change their minds."

Still, Arpaio admitted that the test drones will need more work and to fix up the glitches. "I hope, if my drone plan is approved, that no drones fly near my home," stated Arpaio, "That's the wrong place to look for criminals."

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

President Obama Cancels Congress's Upcoming Halloween Party

President Barack Obama is tired of waiting on Congress to negotiate with him to raise the debt ceiling and end the government shutdown, which now reaches thirteen days. Disgusted by the lack of action, President Obama decided earlier today to announce on C-Span and in front of Congressional Leaders that if Congress do not propose a plan anytime soon, he will cancel their upcoming Halloween party at the White House, as well as any future parties.

GOP leader, groaned over the president's new decision, resulting in Obama yelling, "Hey, hey! Quit the drama!"

John Boehner, United State House Speaker and Congress's party planner, was invited to speak on the president's decision. As he took the stand, he burst into outrage. "Are you kidding me? This is the one thing we've been looking forward to all year! I have been planning this party for months!" complained Boehner to Obama.

"I'm sorry John," said Obama to Boehner, "but this party is too expensive. This great nation already has nearly 17 trillion dollars in debt. We can't keep ignoring that forever. This party of yours will only add to the deficient."

When it was John Boehner's turn to speak again, he described what the party would have been like had it not been canceled. C-Span's camera crews recorded every action.

"I had the evening's entertainment all planned out. I was going to have Ted Cruz recite his favorite Dr. Seuss book Green Eggs and Ham while dressed as Hollywood star Ashton Kutcher, followed by a few-minute play about sick children with cancer not receiving their benefits staring Harry Reid, and then finally, Michelle Bachmann and I would teach everybody how to twerk," explained Boehner. "Even former president George W. Bush was planning to come, mainly to show off his artwork. However, I don't know if Dick Cheney would show, canceled or not. When I invited him, he said he didn't want to see Bush and that they're not on speaking terms. Nevertheless, you can't cancel this party! We were even going to serve Miller Beer!"  

"Well, you could still have your party," said Obama after thinking about it for a while. "All you have to do is negotiate with me a plan that will not only work for the new fiscal year, but will not raise the national debt up any higher by October 17th."

Boehner then added, "Did I mention that we were going to play 'pin the tail on the donkey'? Expect not on a cut-out of a donkey, but of you instead, you know? Cuz you're an ass."

"You could still have the party at my house. I don't mind visitors," spoke Vice President Joe Biden. Cheers and applause filled the room.

"That's um... nice, Joe," said Obama, confoundedly.

Nevertheless, President Obama still canceled the party held at the White House until further notice on progress between him and Congress. According to Boehner though, the president is currently off the guest list.

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

Jay Carney Wants To Quit His Job After Government Shutdown Ends

WASHINGTON - Nine days into government shutdown, and everybody wants answers to questions like, "When will this shutdown be over?", and so on. While President Barack Obama and House Speaker John Boehner keep the nation on the edge of their seat with their bickering, government leaders are put under pressure. But nobody is put under pressure more than White House Secretary Jay Carney.

For Carney, he has to meet with the press almost every day answering questions about the government shutdown and what his boss President Obama has to say regarding the issue. Despite Obama's absences from these meetings, Carney holds his ground with these desperate reporters... until now.

On Wednesday's press conference with the White House Correspondents, Carney continued answering questions addressing any process made in Washington, D.C. by officials. Questions such as, "How long will this government shutdown last?", "What will happen to the troops fighting in Afghanistan?", and "What does President Obama think of the football team 'Washington Redskins'?", etc. made their way into the conference. Jay Carney behaved professionally until one reporter asked the one question that made him loose his temper:

"Mr. Carney, now that several reporters have called you out on your lies, what more lies lay ahead regarding the government shutdown?"

"Alright, that's it," yelled Carney, "I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"

Correspondents sat in shock as they then witnessed Jay Carney rip up his notes.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I sincerely apologize," declared Carney, "But as soon as this stupid government shutdown is over, I'm quitting my job!"

When asked by reporters why he was suddenly considering quitting as an option, Carney took off his glasses, raising his fist in sheer anger.

"Why? You all ask why?", Carney asked, followed by rage, "I'll tell you why! Because all you people do is sit around and ask me questions about the president while treating me like I am President Obama's personal lap dog! Plus, all you 'journalist' only want to hear answers without actually listening to what I have to say! And then you all get mad at me when I don't have the answer you want to hear! Well guess what? I don't always know what's going on around here, so stop asking me! Just because I wear a pair of glasses, that doesn't mean I'm a god damn wizard!"

Carney continued on his temper tantrum, ranting and insulting the White House Correspondents. "Hey, since you'll all correspondents, why don't you guys actually go outside and report something newsworthy? Don't blame me for the government shutdown, for I wasn't part of it! Go ahead and piss all over Sylvia Burwell since it's her fault! She's the one who single-handily ordered this shutdown to happen in the first place! Yet there's hardly any mention of her from your colleagues! Why don't you go and actually do your job?"

Carney then ended the conference stating, "If all of you have a serious problem with me, take it outside where a personal soapbox will be set up for you! I'M OUTTA HERE!"

After the Correspondents had been officially dismissed from the conference, Jay Carney went into his office and requested to have the rest of the year off as soon as the government shutdown was over.

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

Mitt and Ann Romney Express Comments Over Government Shutdown

So far in October 2013, the government shutdown has affected hundreds to thousands of Americans in terms of their lifestyles. Already in day five, President Obama and the 535 members of Congress struggle to find common ground. But the shutdown crisis leaves some people to think perhaps the most unusual questions: If Mitt Romney had been president instead, would this have happened under him? And if so, what would Mitt Romney do?

To answer these questions, Mitt Romney and his family offered their time to talk about their concerns on the government shutdown in their luxurious home. Meanwhile, Ann Romney used this as an opportunity to promote her new cookbook The Romney Family Table.

"I think it is unfortunate that a government shutdown happened," said Mitt Romney to a CNN journalist. "I agree with Obama that it did not have to happen, but my Republican friends would think I am suddenly siding with the Democrats just like most of the country. "

When Mitt Romney was asked about President Obama canceling his week-long trip to Asia in order to deal with issues, Romney responded, "He's doing the right thing to stay home. However, I don't think he needed to cancel his trip entirely. He could have just asked me to go for him instead. I know I can afford it."

When Ann Romney was asked by a couple of reporters whether or not a government shutdown would happen if her husband had been president, she responded, "I highly doubt it. In fact, [my husband] would have prevented Obamacare from ever happening mainly because it is just plain silly. You know what would be really great? If this government shutdown or something dramatically horrible encouraged the public to give Mitt another chance and run for president again. I know I have said 'Never again', but maybe if something even bigger happened like the economy completely collapsing under Obama, I think it would encourage him to run at least one more time to prove his worth. Not that I want anything horrible to happen, nor do I want Mitt to run just for publicity."

Both Mitt and Ann Romney laughed when asked by reporters how the government shutdown had affected their lives.

As reporters were leaving the Romney home, Ann Romney was heard shouting, "Don't forget to buy my cookbook at your local bookstores! It's on bookshelves now!"

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

Government Shutdown - Obama and Boehner Blame Everyone But Themselves... Because They Can

If there's one thing a government shutdown can prove, it is that nobody wants one. This is especially the case with the ongoing "love-hate but mostly hate" relationship between President Barack Obama and House Speaker John Boehner. So while most Americans receive updates in the news from NPR to Conan O'Brien, Obama and Boehner try to bribe Congress to side with either one of them. For both men, the battle has not been easy.

The House met up on Saturday to discuss and vote on retroactive pay, only for their meeting to become verbal "fight club" between Obama and Boehner.

"As you know... this shutdown could have been avoided," said the president to the House of Representatives. "I want it to be over just like everybody else. But we cannot reopen the government thanks to Speaker Boehner."

"Oh please, you faker," John Boehner responded. "We all know you're the one who refuses to negotiate with anybody. Sure, you're willing to talk with an Iranian president, but what about us GOP members? You don't exactly listen to us."

"That's because people like you say stupid stuff," explained President Obama. "Besides, you don't care about the American people."

"Well neither do you, Mr. Big Shot," said Boehner.

"Come on, you guys," said Joe Biden while asking both men, "Why can't we be friends?"

"Obama just refuses to negotiate with us," a crestfallen John Boehner told the press. "I mean, all we're asking for here  is a simple discussion of fairness for the American people under Obamacare. But no! Obama just doesn't want to do that! Sure, he's willing to negotiate with Iran's president, but when someone from the GOP wants to make a deal, he backs away like we're poisoning the country. I really don't get why the American people re-elected this douche.
He just makes me want to cry."

It is unclear whether or not these two men will make up.

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

Bill O'Reilly Reveals Upcoming Book For "Killing" Series

Bill O'Reilly is having a good week now that his latest book Killing Jesus is out on bookshelves everywhere. Known for writing about famous dead people, the O'Reilly Factor host says that is inspiration for writing comes from hearing God's voice. However, he also suggests that God told him to write about something the American people can relate more to.

On Friday September 27, O'Reilly announced that he will be writing a future book called Killing The American Dream. The book will discuss everything that is wrong with America in today's times, ranging in topics from Obamacare to reality TV programing.

Unlike the previous books in the "Killing" series, Killing The American Dream will target society, mainly in a political manner. The context of the future book will target at liberals, portraying them as the source of the problem.

Furthermore, the upcoming book will also be co-written by Donald Trump instead of O'Reilly's usual writing partner Martin Dugard. The two writers will plan to write about their successes in life, their views on American patriotism, and their common love for Baseball.

O'Reilly told variety news sources that writings for Killing The American Dream will begin during the summer of 2014 after his other upcoming book Jesus' Last Days: From The Last Supper To The Shocking Crucifixion is published. Meanwhile, O'Reilly expects to publish Killing The American Dream in late 2015 in order to attract potential conservative voters to vote Republican in the 2016 election, even though O'Reilly states that's not the main purpose of his book.

Overall, O'Reilly states that he hopes once Killing The American Dream is released, it will inspire Americans to take more action towards making a better America, or at least, an America O'Reilly fantasizes about. O'Reilly also encourages fans to write to his email address - oreilly@foxnews.com - if they have any questions and/or suggestions regarding Killing The American Dream. 
 
Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

Kerry and McCain Debate Over Who Is More Relevant in Today's Society

When it comes to international issues, particularly those that the majority of people say they don't want to be involved with, the public can count on political rivals John Kerry, the United States Secretary of State, and John McCain, an Arizona senator, to stir up conversation over their relevancy to foreign affairs. Lately, John Kerry believes that President Obama has a right to strike in Syria, regardless of what Congress thinks. John McCain, on the other hand, believes that the United States should stay out of Syria's conflicts. Since Kerry does not realize how bad of a negotiator he is for Syrian weapons, John McCain thought it would be best to stop him... before he gets bored by Kerry's rantings again. 

John McCain took his unhappiness with Kerry to Twitter, tweeting that Kerry's remarks are "unbelievably unhelpful" regarding Syria. McCain also wanted to tweet about his feelings for Kerry, calling him a scumbag, dick-headed jerk who only cares about what he wants; unfortunately, the tweet was not posted because it exceeded more than 140 characters, plus it contained some "colorful vocabulary" from the Arizona senator. 

John Kerry was offended by the criticism he received, especially by John McCain who he thought was his non-political buddy. Calling from London, England, he held a few-minute debate with John McCain in a recorded phone call.

From the phone call:
John Kerry: Look McCain. As much as I love you for your honesty, when I say that Syria will be an "unbelievably small effort", I really mean it.
John McCain: You don't even know what that means.
Kerry: Sure I do, but you and the general media misunderstand me.
McCain: On what exactly? All I'm saying is that small efforts eventually turn into bigger efforts than anticipated, and America ends up in another full-blown war in the next few years. I should know, for I am a war hero.
Kerry: Sitting in prison during the Vietnam war does not make you a war hero. I'm sorry, but you sat in a isolated prison by the enemy drinking your own piss for survival. Didn't you, at least, think about escaping?
McCain: At least people remember I fought in that war, unlike you.

Within a few minutes, the conversation got heated.

[Continued]
McCain: By the way, you never told me your reasoning for invading Syria.
Kerry: Chemical weapons! Assad crossed the red line by using sarin gas!
McCain: Besides that.
Kerry: What? Well what other reason is valid for invading Syria?
McCain: Oh, I don't know, maybe people live there. You know, besides Assad and the rebels.
Kerry: I swear, the more I talk to you, the more I'm convinced you're smoking something.
McCain: I'm pretty sure it's from hanging around people like you.

Kerry: I still can't believe you don't favor invading Syria.
McCain: Oh no, I support it, but not for your extreme reasons. We shouldn't put soldiers there.
Kerry: But you supported the Iraq war! You wanted more troops based there!
McCain: Yes, but I also thought I would win the presidency years ago. Didn't know I would lose to Obama.
Kerry: The rest of us didn't know you wanted Sarah Palin as your vice president.
McCain: Okay, so she wasn't the smartest of the bunch outside of Alaska. I can live with that, but at least I didn't loose to Bush while supporting the Iraq war. Now that would have been embarrassing.
Kerry: Hey, I never supported war in Iraq! Ask the many journalists on MSNBC.
McCain: Right. And then in a few years, you'll deny that you ever supported war in Syria in the first place.

Kerry: If there's one thing that makes me more relevant than you, I'm actually going out into the world and demanding action. All you ever do nowadays is sit on your lazy ass to "tweet" funny jokes on Twitter and play online poker on your iPhone... during Senator meetings!
McCain: I can't help that you guys bore me. Being distracted with my iPhone is better than taking a nap.
Kerry: Well if you think the Senator meetings are boring, why don't you just retire?
McCain: I'll retire if you retire with me. We can go to Sun City together. I heard the ladies over there are very friendly.
Kerry: Yeah, um, I don't think so.
McCain: Oh, did I tell I lost money from the last game I played?
Kerry: I know. I saw your tweet.

McCain: It's been nice talking to you and all, bu we still shouldn't use military action against Syria. The whole thing is just a big kerfuffle waiting to explode.
Kerry: Hey, I have an idea! If President Obama decides to strike Syria, maybe you should help and fight. After all, everyone knows you're a war hero.
McCain: I'll go if you go with me. Besides, it would be nice for you to reunite with your old friend Assad, right?
Kerry: What?
McCain: You don't remember dining with Assad?
Kerry: Uh... that was, um, somebody's online fan fiction written about me! Yeah, um, I...
McCain: I'll bet Assad would love to reconcile with you, just as we are doing now. The three of us can chat over a nice dinner and have a marvelous time. I'll even introduce you to some of the people I met during my trip in Syria months ago.
Kerry: Oh boy.
McCain: Oh, and when we get back to America, maybe the first thing we should do next is legalize pot! I heard being "half baked" might help me win my online poker games more often. Speaking of online poker, my iPhone is calling my name. Bye, and have a safe trip!
[McCain hangs up.]
Kerry: You crazy bastard.
[Kerry hangs up.]

As of September 9th, there has been no word on whether or not Kerry and McCain will make up from their fighting.

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

Chaos In Weinergate Part Two: Some Last Minute Campaign Strategies

The days are coming closer before New York citizens can vote for the state's next mayor. But no other candidate has been talked about more than "Mr. Sexting Machine" Anthony Weiner. Before his campaign days are over, Weiner is trying to make sure he gets his last-minute campaign strategies together so New Yorkers know that he's just a regular man with big dreams.

In a recent media appearance, Weiner explained his tactics he thinks will help him win the ongoing mayoral campaign. First, he will attempt to make an appearance at a cultural parade while promoting his campaign.

Then, he will pose as a local New York weatherman while making audiences believe that they should either vote for him or they are just too tired in the mornings.

He also plans to confront anybody who publicly attacks him before election day, and he will do so without shame (particularly confronting Jewish voters, knowing that the argument is anything but kosher).

Of course, he acknowledges that these tactics alone will not easily convince voters to elect him.

On the night of Friday September 6th, Anthony Weiner plans to host New York's largest Rosh Hashanah blowout party in honor of current mayor Michael Bloomberg. Weiner even invited special guests Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke to perform "Blurred Lines" at the party. When asked why he was inviting them in the first place, Weiner responded, "I thought their performance was great at the VMA's, and I can totally relate to Robin's song. I mean, there's blurred lines in my life. Oh, and that foam finger."

He will be teaching a free seminar at New York University over the weekend. He explained to the press that the seminar will teach citizens about Human Nature and why it's hard to fight the body's many natural urges.

He will host New York's first ever "Bike Race Rally to End Bike Lanes" during Saturday afternoon.

He will visit as many local places as he can to enforce his love for small businesses. In turn, if someone talks about his personal life again, he will attack them.

He plans to promote a book-reading campaign to gain the votes of parents. He believes it will help ensure critical reading for the future generations, and he also discovered what one can do with a book.
 
Most importantly, Anthony Weiner will try to get the cell phone numbers of every registered New York voter so he can text them as a reminder to vote for him before election day.

Nevertheless, Anthony Weiner is not only desperate to become mayor, but desperate enough to win the hearts of new York citizens as he fights everything he's got win. Even if it works, only God knows whether or not New York, much less the rest of the world, can be saved from danger... Carlos Danger.

Good luck New York.

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

If The Late Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Lived in 2013...

 

Wednesday the 28th officially marked the 50th anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s historic "I Have A Dream" speech. While it seems that people still talk about the memorial rally in celebration of the event, I couldn't help but think more towards today's events rather than look back on history. However, with all the discussion over King, I asked myself this. If the late Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. were alive in 2013, what would he think about the America today versus the America from the past?

I think that if the late Dr. King, Jr. lived in 2013, 50 years later after his speech, there are definitely several changes in the world that he would probably noticed. Obviously, one could say that if he was alive, he would be proud of America for electing a Black man as president. But there's more than just a change of skin with a president.

• He would see that, in today's demanding society, people now judge each other by several factors - their lifestyles, their amount of Facebook friends and Twitter followers, their photos on Instagram, their sexual orientation, and their overall physical appearance - rather than judge people by their character. Didn't this guy realize that not judging everybody by character requires too much work? Seriously, one does not simply trust others to be true to themselves.

• He would sadly learn that a majority of people care more about the latest Hollywood celebrity acting trashy out in public than worry about social issues and foreign affairs. Celebrities doing bad behavior just happen to be more important, especially since they affect the children who watch them. They don't even understand what they are watching!

• He would be happy to learn that more minority students, particularly his people, are getting access to more college opportunities and scholarships, but might not realize that the colleges are using reverse racism to fill up their school population by year. Ask any Caucasian.

•  He would be sad that his people pull out the "race card" whenever they are made fun of, yet they find it acceptable to call each other "niggas" out in public.

• He would find it weird that for a strong country, its people still can't talk about racial boundaries and race in general. 

• He wouldn't understand the fascination with twerking (then again, nobody does).

• He wouldn't understand why people stereotype Blacks with a strange love for things like fried chicken and flavored kool-aid. 

• He wouldn't tolerate the behavior from MSNBC, CNN, and  Fox News Channel's public figures. However, I bet he would make an interesting guest, and could give their anchor's a run for their paychecks (expect maybe Anderson Cooper. I think he could handle interviewing King). 

• He would want to help out the poor and the unemployed in America, but that might result in more death threats besides by mail. 

• He would think that recent controversy over voter suppression laws are taking America as far back as the 1950's (I heard those were "happier times", but other than watching old TV shows like I Love Lucy, I'm not that convinced).

• But hey, maybe he would be friends with this guy:

Although these are just several things, I think he would be ashamed at certain American people over who is and is not invited to his 50th anniversary memorial rally (For example, if someone is Black but their political affiliation is conservative, they obviously wouldn't be allowed to go for some reason). I would think he would want as many people as possible to gather together and celebrate moving forward with the future rather than hold on to the past. But of course, that is his dream, not the American dream. Nevertheless, I believe he would want to live in a different country if he were alive today, like maybe the United Kingdom. Either way, the struggle to move to a better world continues.

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

Mayor Bloomberg Proposes that Wearing Clothes Will Be Illegal in New York

If there is one mayor who has stirred up quite a riot nationwide for his actions, it is definitely New York's Mayor Michael Bloomberg. Despite his mayoral term ending  about five months from now, he believes he is doing everything in his power to make New York a better place to live. His actions include banning cigarette smoking and gigantic soft drinks, keeping guns off the streets, enforcing the Stop-and-Frisk policy, and even enforcing fingerprinting on public houses. Now, Mayor Bloomberg has a new plan.

Earlier today, in a effort to keep weapons and guns off the streets altogether, Mayor Bloomberg proposed that New York citizens are forbidden to wear regular clothing out in public. He insists that instead of clothing, citizens could wear alternatives such as togas and sandals. In a public speech in front of both local and national journalists, Bloomberg explained his reasoning. "With today's clothing, anybody could hide a illegal weapon underneath their clothes," addressed Bloomberg, "If we as citizens of New York want to make here a better place to live, I believe banning clothes out in public will do the trick. That way, there are limited places that a person can hide a weapon underneath their own body, and it will help stop crime."

However, not everyone agrees with Bloomberg's latest strategy. Many of his critics claim that once again, Mayor Bloomberg is acting racist towards minorities through his actions. They also claim that his actions could possibly encourage crime activity in the streets. 

"I am shocked that you close-minded people think I am a racist bigot," stated Bloomberg. "I am not trying to attack a certain group of minorities! I am just trying to make New York a better place for everyone. I don't care if Blacks and Latinos find this hateful towards them; that's their problem, not mine. Besides, what's wrong with wearing togas? Togas are more comfortable and form-fitting than many of the clothing brands out today. Togas are better to wear too, for togas make it easier to let everything hang out. Look, I will prove it tomorrow at the next media conference by wearing a toga while expressing my newest idea. I don't even care if you people complain about my wrinkles."

When asked by journalists if there was a specific group of people who did not have to wear togas if this new rule was enforced, Mayor Bloomberg replied with ease, "Well, I don't think Wall Street Bankers have to wear togas. I mean, they can wear business suits out in public for as long as they please. I don't really believe that they are the real criminals in New York like everyone else suggest. I just think they are group of misunderstood people by the general public."

Mayor Bloomberg ended the conference with a statement regarding the mayoral election. "Of course, whoever wins the election for mayor can change the laws during his or her term. I just wouldn't suggest doing it because it looks bad on my part. Trust me, people think I'm a good mayor. Now, if all of you will excuse me, I have got to go shopping for togas and sandals at the nearest costume store. I have to become 'Michael the Great' before my mayoral term is over."

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

What Helen Thomas Had Taught The World

A while ago, legendary journalist and veteran White House reporter Helen Thomas was sent on a special mission by the White House - to fly into space. That day, she flew away from Earth in her rocket ship to discover what truth lies beyond the new frontier, but more likely to escape the insanity for a while. Unfortunately, word of her space journey did not come out until recently (Damn you, Royal Baby!). Even though she's set to return sometime in mid-August, many people wish her well on her new-found journey. While the rest of the world tries to sum up her life story on the internet, it's important to remember what she showed the world through her personality. Here are five things Helen Thomas has taught the world about life while she was here.

1. Popularity is so overrated.

So what if she was never the most popular person ever with the least popular opinions. She did not try to be an attention seeker in the modern world. Sure, she never wrote about her break-ups or filmed any leaked sex tapes. She never had the career of overrated-journalist-turned-talk-show-host experience. For one thing, she certainly wasn't taking any pictures of her body parts and posting them online. She never saw herself as anything but a truth-seeker, yet the world knew her name.

2. Retiring is for the weak.

Throughout her life, she was a tireless, ongoing woman who refused to stop pushing forward, chasing stories she believed the American public deserved to hear. When it came to those hard-breaking stories, she would be the early bird who caught the worm before her fellow colleagues could. To her, she felt retiring showed a sign of weakness (as well as apologizing and being forced to retire, but that's another story). Thus, her dedication to her job gave her the strength she needed in a confusing world of flowing information.

3. There is no such thing as being too provocative.

One thing to note is that she kept every male in his place. From the ten presidents to press secretaries and other public figures, Thomas has kept her eye on them as she observed every little thing. Although Thomas had no problems pushing boundaries, her male colleagues did. But hey, somebody's got to have the balls.

4. Women can be just as intelligent (or maybe more intelligent) than men.

Her male colleagues throughout her career have been jealous of her. After all, she would not invite them to all-female exclusive clubs that she was president of. She fought against female opposition in her field, letting those men know who was really in charge.

5. Democracy is a sacred thing.

Let's face it, people are deaf when it comes to the truth. Nobody wants to hear that they're really fat or their B.O. stinks. It's the same with the news, where people turn the other cheek. Not Helen Thomas though. Wearing her overused Wonder Woman costume under all that clothing, she was determined to fight every thing she had for the whole truth. It did not matter who spoke at the White House; with her around, she would go after the speaker with her thought-provoking questions. Regardless of how many times they ignored her, she did not give up. 

Helen Thomas, you are missed by many. 

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

Rest in peace, Helen Thomas (August 4, 1920 - July 20, 2013)

Chaos In Weinergate: The Ongoing Saga

When singer Kelis shows her "milkshake", it brings all the boys to her yard; but when Carlos Danger shows his "sausage", everybody gets offended.

Former Congressman Anthony Weiner just wants to run for New York mayor, but the media keeps him on the edge thanks to the latest sexting scandal. As a result, more attention has been towards Weiner and his wife Huma Abedin than on anything else considered newsworthy, and not everybody is pleased with this. For example, the family most offended by Weiner's actions is the Clinton family. Hillary kept begging Weiner to pull out of the race after he accidentally sent one of his "dick pics" to Bill Clinton under his alias Carlos Danger. The text also said, "I heard you like it like this, Monica." They haven't spoken to each other since.

Other candidates want Weiner to drop out of the mayoral race because it gives them an easier chance of winning, believing that he is too occupied with himself to continue on. Even Eliot Spitzer, who is running as New York City's Comptroller, harassed Weiner with the question, "Are you sexting anyone right now?"  Weiner's response back to Spitzer was, "Well at least my wife isn't embarrassed to appear by my side during my campaign trail." Spitzer was heard responding, "Just don't send my wife any of your 'selfies'."

It does not help that his own spokeswoman quit on him, accusing Weiner's interns of not working on the campaign, and rather on wasting time (as shown below).

His wife Huma Abedin is not the kind of woman who likes to show her emotions yet stays by her husband's side. However, she has been going out more in New York, particularly running errands such as shopping for new outfits, going to spas, and finding a divorce attorney in case the Weiner campaign becomes an ultimate failure. 

The media is shaming Weiner into not taking pictures of himself without clothes, yet others who pose shirtless don't get shamed, such as his pal Spitzer:

Or maybe this guy:

As well as this guy:

The whole campaign has been blown away and all hope may be lost. But don't worry because Weiner will not be pulling out just yet. No, he will fight until he can no longer go far. After all, Weiner knows that quitting isn't the way he rolls... unless people force you to quit a high position such as Congress. Either way, leave it to Weiner, and everything will be okay, right?

For now, let's just hope Weiner's campaign won't decrease in size until September.

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

John Oliver Plans To Permanently Host "The Daily Show"

Dear future Daily Show fans and attendees,
If you post a status or "tweet" of your excitement about the show and its host like this:

Only to meet a guy who looks exactly like this:

Then you're in for sheer disappointment.

What most people do not realize is that John Oliver, a British comedian, will be the permanent host of Comedy Central's The Daily Show.

Back in June, Jon Stewart left his hosting position to travel to the Middle East so he could direct his first film titled Death to Smoochy 2: Revenge of The Rhino. In doing so, Stewart left his show in the hands of a "British dude" that nobody had ever heard of before. However, this fascinating creature known as John Oliver has been entertaining audiences despite not being a household name. Strangely enough, the ratings have gone up as well.

I sat down with John Oliver to discuss with him about becoming permanent host of The Daily Show and how guest-hosting has changed his life (in a Q & A format).

Q: Congratulations on hosting The Daily Show so far.
A: Thank you.
Q: How have you been feeling about your hosting job?
A: Well, there are ups and downs to this. I guess I can say I'm happy that people finally realize I exist. At the same time, I can see why the boss left. It's exhausting.

Q: Do you think Americans like European late-night hosts better than American late-night hosts?
A:  I guess it depends. I'm not sure if people like me or not, which I can understand if they don't. But hey, if I continue hosting, I could be like that Scottish guy. I forgot his name.
Q: You mean Craig Ferguson?
A: Yeah, him! If he can host a show in Los Angeles, then I can host a show in New York.

Q: What have been your favorite news stories to cover as host?
A: The news of the Royal Baby has been fun. It made me miss home a little. I also like covering any news involving Anthony Wiener. I know he used to be roommates with the boss, but there's no way the boss could hammer that sex addict the way I did. I just chew that Wiener up, spit him out, and chew him up again.

Q: What do you think will be your legacy based on your experiences as the host?
A: For one, I broke the studio lights. I think that will be part of it. Also, explaining to the audience why the boss isn't there and that they're not crazy.

Q: How do the other correspondents feel about this?
A: Most of them are supportive of me. That doesn't mean they're happy though. For example, when it was announced that I would be replacing Jon Stewart as the host, Samantha Bee threw a hissy fit. She complained that the hosting job should have went to her because she had been there for ten years and she claims she has tenure. I asked her if Jason Jones got her pregnant again. I haven't really talked to her that much, other than on the show.

Q: How do you feel about Jon Stewart coming back in September?
A: Wait, is he really coming back?
Q: Yeah. That's what he said.
A: Oh, I thought he was joking. Don't get me wrong, I miss him dearly, but do you know what it's like to be a correspondent? It's like being a servant at Buckingham Palace. A servant can do all the work to make sure everything runs smoothly, and yet regardless of what happens, the King or Queen gets all the attention. Stewart doesn't do shit. It's just that everyone else puts time and effort so he looks good to the public.

Q: So, when Jon Stewart comes back, what will you do?
A: That's easy. I just need my gun.

A: I'm kidding! I wouldn't shoot the boss, even if money was involved. I'd welcome him back with open arms and hug him. Then I'll say, "Screw you, Stewart! I've got the reigns on this wild horse, and I ain't turning around!"
Q: And if Jon gets upset when he realizes he lost his job...?
A: Well, at least there will be a opening for a new correspondent.

Even though Oliver can not wait to continue hosting, others have expressed their thoughts and concerns over this news.

"I want my Jon to come home," cried Stephen Colbert, host of Comedy Central's The Colbert Report. "I mean sure, this John is a nice guy and all. But it's so weird when I look for Jon during the day and all I find is the other John. He is very talented and he kind of looks like a younger, British version of me (minus those hideous teeth), but he will never be the Jon of my heart! I will do everything in my power to keep that John off the air, and I won't give up until they give me back my Jon!"

"I don't like this Oliver Twist guy," said Brian Williams, who was caught breaking into Comedy Central Headquarters in an attempt to kidnap Oliver. "Obviously, he's not Stewart. He seems like a sweet and likable guy, but I can't understand his accent no matter how many times I listen to him. I can't wait for Jon to come back because I don't know how else I'm supposed to get my news. Besides, I'm hoping Jon remembers our ice cream date."

"I actually like the new John," admitted Bill O'Reilly on the set of The O'Reilly Factor. "He seems like a winsome guy, and I like how he doesn't take cheap shots at Fox News. Stewart used to do that all the time, so it's nice to have some relief from that. Hey, I wonder if this guy is easy to manipulate in a debate. Excuse me for a minute. I'm going to see if I can get booked on the show. I have a new book coming out soon."

Still, as John Oliver plans to permanently host The Daily Show forever, Jon Stewart better eat his heart out.

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

George Zimmerman Tries To Find A New Job

It has almost been two weeks since George Zimmerman was found not guilty for the murder of Trayvon Martin. The ups and downs of the intensity of the court, as Zimmerman fought for his rights, and the aftermath of the trial stirred much ado over whether the jury had been wrong. Although the case has been over for quite some time, there is one thing that might be certain: George Zimmerman cannot find a new job.

Because of the verdict, he cannot go back working to his previous job as a Neighborhood Watchman Captain out of fear over more chaos involving his once peaceful neighborhood. He also cannot apply for local jobs anywhere in his area with someone saying, "Hey, aren't you George Zimmerman? Yeah, we heard about your trial! No, we're not hiring. Get out."

Zimmerman's defense attorney Don West encouraged Zimmerman to be his partner in his new-found dream of becoming a stand-up comedian. Zimmerman turned West's offer down because he feels his is already the punchline behind many jokes. 

Desperate to find a job, Zimmerman turned to good-friend Frank Taaffe.Taffee has been loyal to Zimmerman's side throughout the whole trial, defending him for everything he did on national television; for a confident Taaffe, this job-hunt would be easy. 

"I'll see if I can get him a job working with Nancy Grace," explained Taaffe."Maybe he can help me figure out how to stop her from cutting off my microphone every time I talk over her. I know she likes to hear my voice; she can't do that to me all the time." Sadly for both men, Grace refused to hire him as she did not fall for Taaffe's begging.

So, if Zimmerman will never have luck finding a job, what will he do for the rest of his life?

Not all hope is lost for Zimmerman as he is trying a new idea. According to Zimmerman's lawyer, Mark O'Mara, he has heard about American citizens preparing for jobs that are not even around yet. Because of this, he has decided to train as Florida's first official superhero, a job that currently does not exist. "Well, he's already got experience," Don West, Zimmerman's defense attorney, told local reporters outside Zimmerman's neighborhood. "I mean, he's already applied self-defense. That should be enough training. Just like my knock-knock joke is enough training to become a world-famous comedian. By the way, where's the nearest comedy club? I have new material."

Zimmerman experimented with his new, ideal job by saving a family of four from an overturned truck - one mile away from his accused deed. Although it's a good start for Zimmerman, he was not recognized as a hero by the media, forcing him to crawl back into hiding. Living in his own Batman movie, he currently plots his new plan - find The Joker and kill him at the exact same location.  

But even if Zimmerman became an official superhero and the state of Florida decided to give him his own gun to fight crime, it wouldn't save Florida from its isolation against the United States.

However, his superhero attempts might be a part of juror B37's story in her book deal for she expressed interest talking about his highly-publicized trial and what it felt like to be a juror... not that it will make Zimmerman's life any better.

Regardless of what Zimmerman will do for the rest of his life, people are going to remember him in a negative light. As one neighbor said, "It doesn't matter who attacked first and who really committed the crime. The media sought after it as a racist situation, even though the trial dealt with a white Hispanic man and a black teenager. The claim of 'white supremacist' made its way back to the eyes of everyone who saw. But it doesn't matter if race played a part or not. It doesn't matter, for in the end, somebody is still dead and [the families] are the ones who are forced to suffer."

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

How The NSA Plans To Spend Independence Day

It's that time of year again. American citizens gather across the nation to celebrate another birthday for their beloved country, showing off their pride in red, white, and blue. But it's not only American citizens who want to celebrate. Government employees at the National Security Agency (NSA) want to celebrate the greatness and freedoms of America too. After all, the agency has been through a lot of hell so far this summer. Why not give them a break?

On July 4th, NSA employees will join President Obama at the White House while celebrating the freedoms they have over everyone else in a backyard barbecue. Each guest attending will enter the party through the White House where they will stop and admire the welcome banner with a slogan at the bottom that says, "Big Brother Is Watching You." Like any normal barbecue, there will be hot dogs, Miller beer, and a fireworks display to spend the evening, as well as popular barbecue games such as "I Spy" and "Pin The Handcuffs on Edward Snowden." There will also be Karaoke night, allowing the attendees to sing classic songs such as Private Eyes, Every Move You Make, and everybody's favorite song I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Me. In addition, President Obama will be debuting live at the party his newest cover of the hit song Get Lucky.

Unfortunately, not everyone is invited to perhaps the biggest party of the year. When asked if the infamous 30-year-old whistleblower had an invitation to go despite not working for the NSA anymore, Vice President Joe Biden took the opportunity to answer questions regarding Snowden. Biden stated, "Although many of us here would like him back, I doubt he'll willingly leave that airport in Moscow to attend. It would just be awkward; besides, he might end up hiding in one of the port-a-potty's we have set up because, you know... he's known to be a leaker."

So enjoy a happy 4th NSA. Perhaps you'll catch Snowden someday, but for now enjoy the country on its special holiday. As for the rest of us, we'll keep in mind that with every bond we break, every step we take, you'll be watching us.

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

Entry #4: A Small Recap of My Blogging Experience

Well, blogging has definitely been a new experience. Before the blog project, I never really thought about blogging anything. Now I feel that I am addicted to blogging even though the course isn't over yet. I took blogging seriously, mainly because part of my grade depended on it. 

What I learned from blogging is that if a person's blog has a topic that is interesting and entertaining, people will read it. Sometimes, escaping the seriousness of life means poking some fun at it. I just hope my funny blog posts put some smiles on people's faces. I have also realized that there are many people who prefer blogging in different forms whether it be a social media account or a website similar to Blogger.

Since blogging was part of this course, I found blogging to be useful for improving my writing style. I found out I like satire, and I like having an audience. It's a new outlet for expressing myself that I probably would not have tried it had it not been part of this course.

The only thing I would suggest to my English professor is that he should use former-student blogs that he thought were really good and use those as examples for future students on what a casual/professional blog looks like and what he's looking for.

For those who have been reading my blog, thank you. This has definitely been a new experience for me. I am a little sad that the blogging is coming to an end for my English 101 class. However, I am definitely thinking about keeping this blog as a hobby so I can continue writing satire that people will find humorous and engaging. To say thanks again, watch this video below.

That's all I have to say for now. Hope you have enjoyed my blog! 

Hillary, America's Biggest Political Babysitter, Getting Her "Tweet" On

Last week, the former first lady and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton joined Twitter, one of the biggest social media sites in the world. For Clinton, it's someplace she had never visited before (other than outer space).

We know that she is very addicted to looking at her cell phone, even when its not the appropriate time or place to do so. Having a Twitter account would only make her more addicted than usual.

According to her official Twitter account, she describes herself as, "Wife, mom, lawyer, women & kids advocate, FLOAR, FLOTUS, US Senator, SecState, author, dog owner, hair icon, pantsuit aficionado, glass ceiling cracker, TBD...".

She also wanted to put, "Under-appreciated, disgusted with men, babysitter of adult male babies/referee for childish male politicians, and the 'brains' behind the Clinton family". However, only 140 characters are allowed on Twitter, so she couldn't add more about herself.

It kind of makes one wonder why she wanted to get a Twitter account to begin with. Perhaps getting a Twitter account made sense because the family is on there (such as taking pictures with her grown-up daughter), or maybe it's part of the strategy for a possible run in the 2016 presidential campaign.  

But earlier today, Hillary Clinton had a recent coffee date with longtime friend and former supporter Ron Perelman. They chatted and gossiped about current events, including her decision to finally join Twitter.

Clinton told him during their coffee outing, "You see Ron, the reason I got a Twitter account was not because I wanted to. Instead, I believe it's the best way I can keep my eye on my husband, Bill. I get suspicious about what he's doing all the time, which is horrible considering I had to keep my eye on all the other male babies running this country. It was bad enough when he was president; that scandal came out of nowhere from his political enemies, and the other about that slut. Now I'm hearing about his so-called illegitimate, bi-racial son he supposedly had with a hooker from Little Rock back when he was Governor of Arkansas. I'm sick of hearing about affairs and love children, so I'm keeping my eye out to make sure nothing else is going on. After all, a Twitter account and a polygraph machine are going to become important tools in my life particularly since I live with America's favorite sex addict."
Perelman answered back, "Understandable."

Although that seems to be the reason, Hillary Clinton hasn't updated her Twitter much. Hopefully, now that Hillary is on Twitter, we expect her Twitter conversations to go like this:

Or this:

Or maybe even this:

And especially this:

 Nevertheless, the Twitter community welcomes her to this new version of her full-time job as detective and babysitter of not only her own husband, but also to the crazy "bundles of joy" - I mean the politicians in her life.

Disclaimer: the following blog post is satire. I do not hold any credibility to this fake story.

Entry #3: Is Eating Fast Food Really Worth It?

In my English class on Thursday, we watched the film Food, Inc., a documentary about where our food really comes from and what dangerous chemicals and toxins are in the food we eat. From watching that documentary, it made me think about fast-food-chain restaurants operated here in America. The fast food franchises run on a business scale that is apparently convenient for families and the fast food industry financially. But with all these health scares that appear in the news, is it really worth eating the food at these fast food restaurants?

The problem with the fast food industry is that the fast-food-chains are really devoted to making a profit from their restaurants nationally (or internationally) than the health of their customers. They know that families nowadays don't have the time to sit down and enjoy a home-cooked meal with each other, nor do many families like to go out to a formal, sit-down restaurant due to finances. Purposely, the food at a fast-food restaurant is cheaper. Plus, they know that children want to eat food at fast food restaurants, so they try to make the kids' menu "healthier" in order to convince parents that their children are eating something that is considered nutritious. As long as people are patronizing the businesses, these fast-food-chains don't care about quality and nutritious food ingredients.

According to a study conducted back in 2007-2008 by the National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey (NHANES), 17% of American children and adolescents were reported to be affected by obesity, and this rate was triple what the rate was only one generation ago.

Even though these fast food giants believe their restaurants can throw in random ingredients and pass it off as food to the general public, it could potentially backfire on them. For example, if people were able to discern that their meat was made of something other than regular meat, such as pink slime or horse meat, a majority of people would be outraged and they would never want food from fast-food-chain restaurants again.

I can understand eating fast food once in a while; on the other hand, eating fast-food daily as a regular habit has consequences, especially with kids. It's not just obesity that's becoming a problem; there are other health risks too such as a person lowering their energy levels, lacking proper nutrition, and damaging their own heart and liver. The health of the entire nation as a whole is at risk, but unfortunately, not every person will want to change their ways of eating if they feel forced to.

There are other films dedicated to unhealthy eating of fast food such as the documentary film Super Size Me, where director Morgan Spurlock ate McDonald's food, super sized, for 30 days. In this clip, Spurlock is eating (and throwing up) super sized burgers and fries from McDonald's. This was made in 2004, back when McDonald's had a "super sized" option for their food.

It is really up to an individual whether he or she chooses to maintain a healthy lifestyle or not. As for me, I already look after my own nutrition, go out exercising, and choose carefully what I eat. Besides, I'm probably not going to look at food the same way again.